I told Vernon Hoe over the phone a few years back that my dilemma with that virgin girl at that one business I patronized made me feel as if I was young again. And so it goes with this one young woman I've talked about frequently on these posts these past several months. I feel as if she's presented the same dilemmas I faced as a young man with women such as "Katy," "Wanda," "Linda," etc. The dilemma centered around the adversarial approach these women initially took towards me. At some point I believe these and other young women back then had pangs on conscience that made them feel that I was not the; dumbass, bastard, or dumbass bastard they initially thought me to be, and that they accrued second thoughts in their adversarial journey to try to take me down.
For my part, the fact that woman such as these could be so attractive and have so much appeal at the thought of enjoying their company presented a great temptation for me to just forgive whatever cruelties some of them managed to visit upon me before they sort of had a change of heart. Yep, ages twenty to twenty-eight all over again for me.
Being fifty-five and fully committed to following my buddha really helped show me the way out of such dilemmas. I could imagine this young woman I became concerned with this past Summer toggling back and forth about me at something like the rate I would toggle back and forth about women such as her. In a perfect world I would like nothing more than to get to know such an attractive young woman as this better, but we are not in a perfect world. She had her agenda, maybe, and I'm faced with staying or leaving a situation that proved vexing in my past. The only way I've ever known these woman for real is in the leavin'. The stayin' just makes me crazy, and it doesn't seem to do much for them either. If such a person comes off as more sympathetic in this post than in previous posts of mine, well, thank the buddha for giving me this insight into such a person. My buddha's the strong one, while I'm just as weak and compromised as any two pack a day, 60 beers a week, $200 dollar a month weed smoker can be about women such as the one I've been writing about this past Summer. It's just that I'm the one with the wisdom and the insight to know better than to try and work something out in situations that have been the source of so much grief for me in the past.
To further run this into the ground; in the same way that I can't smoke just two or three cigarettes a day, have a beer or two now and then, and smoke a little weed once in a while; for those kinds of reasons I can't just work something out with an individual whose brought these conflicting issues into play; these issues brought about by how they initially came at me in an adversarial manner and then had a change of heart in the middle of their prescribed course of action. I've come to an understanding with all of these addictive things that I can't have them in my life in any sustainable way. I know this young woman is a person and not a thing, but the idea that one can run up against one's limits with a person in the same way that one can run up against one's limits with a thing shouldn't be something that's too hard to grasp for anyone out there.
For my part, the fact that woman such as these could be so attractive and have so much appeal at the thought of enjoying their company presented a great temptation for me to just forgive whatever cruelties some of them managed to visit upon me before they sort of had a change of heart. Yep, ages twenty to twenty-eight all over again for me.
Being fifty-five and fully committed to following my buddha really helped show me the way out of such dilemmas. I could imagine this young woman I became concerned with this past Summer toggling back and forth about me at something like the rate I would toggle back and forth about women such as her. In a perfect world I would like nothing more than to get to know such an attractive young woman as this better, but we are not in a perfect world. She had her agenda, maybe, and I'm faced with staying or leaving a situation that proved vexing in my past. The only way I've ever known these woman for real is in the leavin'. The stayin' just makes me crazy, and it doesn't seem to do much for them either. If such a person comes off as more sympathetic in this post than in previous posts of mine, well, thank the buddha for giving me this insight into such a person. My buddha's the strong one, while I'm just as weak and compromised as any two pack a day, 60 beers a week, $200 dollar a month weed smoker can be about women such as the one I've been writing about this past Summer. It's just that I'm the one with the wisdom and the insight to know better than to try and work something out in situations that have been the source of so much grief for me in the past.
To further run this into the ground; in the same way that I can't smoke just two or three cigarettes a day, have a beer or two now and then, and smoke a little weed once in a while; for those kinds of reasons I can't just work something out with an individual whose brought these conflicting issues into play; these issues brought about by how they initially came at me in an adversarial manner and then had a change of heart in the middle of their prescribed course of action. I've come to an understanding with all of these addictive things that I can't have them in my life in any sustainable way. I know this young woman is a person and not a thing, but the idea that one can run up against one's limits with a person in the same way that one can run up against one's limits with a thing shouldn't be something that's too hard to grasp for anyone out there.
RSS Feed
