I had to get a medication change earlier in the month. It's my antipsychotic. So far so good. I missed a lot of days of work before the change because the old medication sedated me so much that I would skip doses and not sleep. I finally decided this month that the problem was not with me but with my medication, so I requested a change. I understand that this new one can make people real restless after a while, so I have my fingers crossed.
Hellooo, is anyone out there? I say this because my last couple of posts were about the women thing. They help me, if nothing else. I try to keep a civil tone, because this is, after all, the internet, and one does not know who will wind up reading this. I don't want to post something hatey and find out that, yes indeed, the party in question is indeed reading my posts. I'd just as soon not find out that way. This is a perfect Richy Vegas situation, though. I'll leave it at that.
So I was in a business I talk about from time to time. I decided that a young lady employee was going to be my queen.
This'll do for a while. I do not like to find out the hard way that I've been barking up the wrong tree, so I'll just leave it at that and go on like I am about to go on.
I decided to favor this young woman with a little attention, because she is, after all, my queen. She seemed….challenged by my overture. If I were to guess, it would be that she doesn't like the idea of being judged harshly by me. I know what it's like to be around a beautiful woman who would not be that much older that she is now, and feel like I stand before them naked. I mean, I feel like smoking hot women in their late 20's or early 30's who are dressed to kill and all that may really be saying something about me if they found me coming up short. I mean I've felt terrified and not able to interact with such women at all.
So I can imagine this young woman might feel the same way about me. She has a heck of a lot to offer anyone whom she really does take an interest in, I can see that a dynamic where I feel like, "She's just a kid, what does she know?" and where she feels like my judgement of her is more valid can get really old really fast.
I thought about holding back on these posts for a while and just seeing how it went between her and me. But, this is a brave new world we're in, and she might have come to expect to be able to access what I'm doing now.
So here goes: Young lady, the reason I cut you loose before was because I could not shake these unconquerable doubts that I had about you. To this day I've hardly interacted with you at all in the real world, and at the time I didn't feel like it was worth trying to fight through all that doubt, so I let go. This seemed to translate as some crazy sharp game that really gave you what for. I was just trying to cut my losses and move on.
As a fifty-one year old man with a major mental illness who had something of an interest in you, I seemed to be assigned the role of loser to you. In order for there to be a winner in your world, there has to be a loser, and that would be me. My services for this role seem to be much in demand. As much as they always were. This has been hard for me. It is not just something women your age engage in. I've had to field this sort of attitude from women fifteen, twenty years older than yourself. It is a very common attitude for me to deal with. Our capitalist society seems to be predicated on the idea of winners and losers. Women select mates on the premise of winners and losers.
That's not very spiritual. And, as women often find out in this sort of game. Their winner is often not such a winner and their loser is often not such a loser. A winner can't be a winner forever all the time, and what then? Are you supposed to treat them like a loser then? What if you've been married to this guy a while? What if you have a couple of kids?
I've found it best for me to exist outside of this system. I've been doing this for a while. In my twenties I would consider it very important to be spiritual with women who didn't seem to feel obliged to be the same way towards me. Some quit extraordinary, transcendent moments occurred from this path I was on. It was a hard path to unlearn. One's relations with women should, to some extent, be about cashing in, and I just couldn't cash in on this particular line of inquiry. As I descended further and further into madness, it became about the only thing that I could do right.
Like I said, I've existed outside of the winner/loser thing pretty much all of my adult life. I'm not saying go out and find the nearest homeless man and blow him behind the dumpster, but you get my drift, right? For me it's not about winners and losers. It's about taking care of yourself and knowing what's up.
Don't get me wrong, I have standards too. One reason it's about you is that you have a fucking job and seem to have no problem with that reality of life. Another reason it's about you is that you are very attractive, and I've just found it best to make accommodations for ones such as you from time to time.
Like I said, if it's true that you and the others read this blog, y'all seem to expect me to be a bit of an open book. I figure that the reason it's about me for you, if that is the case, is that you feel I can tell you something or other about yourself, and you are at heart just a young person looking for answers. A few years ago I used to look towards women your age for answers for myself. Something to do with a midlife crisis.
I've come to the understanding that there's no use crying about missed opportunities from my youth. I read in Feeling Good that getting hung up on missed opportunities is a sign of low self-esteem. That's because you're telling yourself that your opportunities to have something good happen in your life are in your past, and that you don't think enough of yourself in the here and now to get good things going for yourself in the present day. Thousands of dollars saved not going to therapists with this issue.
I thought about holding this stuff back for when we go out or what ever. That day may never come. This information and insight stuff seems to help you, and I thought that if I just go ahead and opened up on these things, that at least one of us could make and informed, intelligent decision about the other.