A couple of posts ago I talked about someone whom I'd been thinking about. I talked about how I ran the usual tapes I run in my head about a future where I married this person and we had kids and all of that. Two Fridays ago I thought these thoughts while in Bandera for some time off. So, I'm running these tapes. Right? One thought that slipped in there concerned a date I had in 1985 with a fellow UT student named Veronica. On our first date she made such an impression on me that I decided, then and there, that I loved her. As I thought about married life with this young woman in my world while in Bandera, I thought, "Man, this deal might be like the one with Veronica, where there was nowhere to go but down from the high of deciding that I was in love with her on our first date." And there was, indeed, nowhere to go but down as far as that whole deal with Veronica went.
So, my next train of thought really embraced the notion that these deals will run their course no matter if I fantasize about marriage and babies and all of that or not. I have plenty of cruel examples of that, and I've never come nowhere near to marrying anyone in my entire adult life. The first woman I dated, Lisa in 1985, I talked to some friends about how she was my "future wife" before we ever really hooked up. So, even under the more favorable circumstance of someone actually wanting to go out with me and things working out to some extent, my deal with Lisa lasted about a month from around our first date to the end.
Two Fridays ago that lead me to the notion that a more realistic train of thought concerning this young woman in my world might involve seeing if I could get something going with her that broke my old record of dating someone for a MONTH before there was any talk, anywhere, of marriage and babies and whatnot. I went to Darrel McCall's show at Arky's Silver Dollar in Bandera that night, by myself, thinking, "Even a deal that is more successful than anything I've ever experienced with a woman might find me, soon enough, back where I am right now, doing all kinds of stuff by myself." I enjoyed Darrel McCall's first long set pretty well, and then left for my hotel.
I was still pretty high from thinking about how I managed to free myself from this notion that any move in this young woman's direction might lead me down the aisle, I worked a little on my comic book, and as I worked, I let go of the notion that I had any obligation whatsoever to make any move at all in this young woman's direction. My trip to Bandera represented the best money and time I've spent anywhere, at any time, in recent memory, in my opinion.
So, I wonder if I'm past some developmental stage where fantasy notions of young women in my world just don't have the same kind of hold on me that they used to. I don't know. My progress on the recovery from my love addiction seems to come in leaps and bounds these days. A recent interaction with a very pretty young woman in my world kind of lead me to think that she has no desire to fuck with me at all. That would be progress, because I'm used to these types reacting to me like a shark that smells blood in the water as far as how they relate to me, so here goes nothing.