I haven't written any new songs lately. Songwriting is something a person has to do pretty much all the time to be any good at it. Right now I'm trying to memorize about fifteen songs I've written over these past several years so that I can record another album by next Fall.
A lot of these songs I've written over these past several years have to do with all the struggles I've had with women over these past several years. Right now I don't want to write any more songs about all of that. Last month I wrote about how I hypothesized that someone from my past has put some sort of web site up about me that perhaps ALL of the women I've had such trouble with these past several years all knew about. That concept had me reeling for quite a few weeks there, and it still has me reeling as I write this.
I'm just not interested in writing any more songs about any of those women or this subject.
I saw the ex-husband of the woman that I hypothesized may be behind such an alleged web site. I introduced myself to him at a friend's party last weekend. He seemed pretty friendly. I told him about my connection to his ex-wife, and I told him that I'd had a run-in with her back in the day. He chuckled and then excused himself and he and his current wife left the party. Oh well. I said I was willing to make amends to the aggrieved parties, but I guess that will be as much on their terms and on their timeline as much as any of this can be on my terms and on my timeline.
Earlier this year I went into a post at great length that had to do with the notion of male feminists and male allies of female feminists. I emphatically said in that post that I considered myself neither a feminist nor did I consider myself a male ally of female feminists. I've just had too many women label me as the bad guy and come after me while cloaked in the garb of empowerment, all to justify some pretty nasty attitudes and behavior towards me.
I also brought up two friends of mine in that post. One was Vernon Hoe. At the kind of juncture I find myself now, I asked the other friend what to do. We went back and forth, and this other friend said, "You know who used to call women out on their shit? Vernon Hoe, and they HATED him for it." This other friend recommended that I take a more forgiving stance, which I regret to this day. The only artifact I have of this "forgiveness" is about thirty-five issues of my comic book that portrays these women and their boyfriends as victims of the Whitman Massacre, issues that I no longer try to sell. So much for forgiveness.
There is more than one woman in my world that I am very fond of, but that I have some reason to believe may have knowledge of this hidden web presence, and therefore they may have been complicit, to a great extent, in its intended purpose of bringing me low. The last thing I want to do is come off as all forgiving of these women I'm still fond of in hopes of getting something material in return, such as sex, general acceptance, companionship etc. When that stuff doesn't come back to me to my satisfaction in return for my "forgiveness," that's when I am likely to retaliate in some measure that I think is justified, but that the other party does not feel like they deserve AT ALL.
So yeah, if I had to pattern my behavior and attitude towards these women after Vernon Hoe or the friend who advised a more "forgiving" stance, I will go with old Vern any day. That, despite the fact that the the other guy has had sex with a lot more women, had a lot more girlfriends, and a lot of women seem to love him so much. I won't rehash ALL of Vern's virtues towards women over the other guy, I'll just say this; instead of expressing any remorse about the physical abuse this other friend visited on one of his girlfriends, often times in the presence of myself and other friends, he just said, years later, that she deserved it. Vernon, in his youth, like me, admits to doing some things he's not proud of. One of these guys I can relate to, one I can't.
I honestly believe that calling some woman I'm very fond of out on her shit under the circumstances I find myself in now demonstrates a greater willingness to act in her best interest than any attempt to let bygones be bygones so that we may then supposedly proceed to more intimate relations. I'm not necessarily saying that I believe that anyone in my world has such an interest in me, but I just want to make myself clear on this issue, just in case. I am much more willing to alienate myself from the affections of such a person with a civil, but upfront, honest statement of my grievances, then to alienate such a person with a retaliatory gesture that they are guaranteed to not feel they deserve. I say they would definitely not feel as if they deserved such a gesture, because anyone I would like would never feel as if they deserved such a gesture. That last sentence is why I write these things the first place. Yes, of course.