If one word can label or sum up the dark places I go in my mind in regards to this young woman at this business whom I can go on and on about, that word is "insecurity." Has she deliberately succeeded in keeping me in the dark about where I stand with her and her intentions towards me, or do I in fact project that onto someone who never had an interest in me at all? An art teacher from SVA once said that one thing artists can do is live with ambiguity for a long period of time. Wellll, alright then.
I've spent the last twenty years coming up with more constructive ways of spending time by myself than the standbys of those days: marijuana, alcohol, and cigarettes. I'm prepared to spend the rest of my reasonably healthy time on this Earth engaged in things such as music and art, both of which require a great deal of time by myself to get good at. In the last month or so since I reached out to that young woman, the time spent by myself does not abate, I have no way of contacting her outside of her place of employment, and I still function as a dateless wonder on other fronts.
That stuff doesn't bother me as much as the underlying insecurity that existed before I reached out to her, and still exists to a lesser extent since I reached out to her. At least I really, really imparted to her the knowledge that I care for her a great deal, and that I did have the courage to punch through that invisible wall that existed between us. That knowledge that I did really do that, and the gratitude that I experience every day at her kind response to my overture, really helps with the insecurity. If our deal exists at all, one major thing I did already counts as major turning point that I have no desire to undermine or sabotage through word or deed.
Something about women such as her brings out some effort in me to do the very best I can. The women she readily reminds me of were not saints or sisters of mercy, exactly. Hell, some of them weren't even that nice. For the most part, I never really even dated the women from my past she so readily reminds me of, but in dealing with the Saras and Ann Maries of the world, I made out a pretty reliable roadmap that pointed me in a direction of self-reliance and a greater ability to provide myself with some of the better things associated with a meaningful relationship with women. As least as far as providing myself with a sense of peace about any given situation I found myself in with such women. Yeah, that more than anything. Way more than actual girlfriends and all one associates with having girlfriends.
The first girl I ever dated, I see that as a product of its time more than anything else. With the Saras and the Ann Maries of the world I learned a great deal about sublimating my tendencies to obsessively pursue women and instead spend that time and energy on other aspects of my own life. That includes cleaning house, exercise, diet, overall health, working on art and music, all of that and more. I think anyone who tends to obsess over women would do well to follow my example, even if I get hit by a bus or a meteor tomorrow and never actually get the girl.
I've spent the last twenty years coming up with more constructive ways of spending time by myself than the standbys of those days: marijuana, alcohol, and cigarettes. I'm prepared to spend the rest of my reasonably healthy time on this Earth engaged in things such as music and art, both of which require a great deal of time by myself to get good at. In the last month or so since I reached out to that young woman, the time spent by myself does not abate, I have no way of contacting her outside of her place of employment, and I still function as a dateless wonder on other fronts.
That stuff doesn't bother me as much as the underlying insecurity that existed before I reached out to her, and still exists to a lesser extent since I reached out to her. At least I really, really imparted to her the knowledge that I care for her a great deal, and that I did have the courage to punch through that invisible wall that existed between us. That knowledge that I did really do that, and the gratitude that I experience every day at her kind response to my overture, really helps with the insecurity. If our deal exists at all, one major thing I did already counts as major turning point that I have no desire to undermine or sabotage through word or deed.
Something about women such as her brings out some effort in me to do the very best I can. The women she readily reminds me of were not saints or sisters of mercy, exactly. Hell, some of them weren't even that nice. For the most part, I never really even dated the women from my past she so readily reminds me of, but in dealing with the Saras and Ann Maries of the world, I made out a pretty reliable roadmap that pointed me in a direction of self-reliance and a greater ability to provide myself with some of the better things associated with a meaningful relationship with women. As least as far as providing myself with a sense of peace about any given situation I found myself in with such women. Yeah, that more than anything. Way more than actual girlfriends and all one associates with having girlfriends.
The first girl I ever dated, I see that as a product of its time more than anything else. With the Saras and the Ann Maries of the world I learned a great deal about sublimating my tendencies to obsessively pursue women and instead spend that time and energy on other aspects of my own life. That includes cleaning house, exercise, diet, overall health, working on art and music, all of that and more. I think anyone who tends to obsess over women would do well to follow my example, even if I get hit by a bus or a meteor tomorrow and never actually get the girl.
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