I remember when I fixated on Cathy C in the spring of 1984. Cathy was very beautiful. She was in one of my art classes. She had a serious boyfriend. Whatever fixations I had on girls in high school, this fixation with Cathy was that much more intense, and marked the beginning of a major problem with mental illness.
I just couldn't reconcile my attraction to Cathy with the reality of her situation. It took quite a few failed deals for me to be able to give up on the idea of getting something going with someone with a serious boyfriend.
My fixation on individual women did indeed evolve into a problem with women who represented themselves as something they were not; typically, they represented themselves as available and interested when they were either not interested or not interested and not available.
The fixation on women from my psychotic hallucinations was far less caustic and damaging as it could be when one of these later fixations really got a hold of me. One time they went head to head: Snolly, who may have thought that God was on her side when she tried it vs. Monica, the girl at the top of this page. No contest. I gave Snolly about and inch-and-a-half's worth of consideration, and given that my handling of her deal gave her pause and put her in a place that she didn't anticipate, it really was my prerogative.
Nowadays, I may or may not be in the midst of a celebrity fixation. I really don't know if it will be tougher than what I've had to deal with, oh, these last thirty or so years, but it could be bad, I don't know. I've talked about the weird dynamic of fixating on a person I've never even met, but whose presence seems to be in my life regardless. I've talked about the terms in which I think it would end; with some high profile coupling on her part, but maybe not right away. Maybe she's being more discrete this time, and she got in GOIN' AWN right now.
I've learned to just not attempt to engage with women under the age of say, thirty-five, and that at least gives me ammo to fling accusations that whatever static comes forth comes from their end of it, if nothing else. So, naturally, genius that I am, I've got to find another type of woman to tie me up in knots.
Maybe after this one passes, I'll move on to Ariana Grande or Jennifer Lawrence, who are not my current celeb fixation, but may as well be if I my reptile brain ever really lets go of this one.
Maybe it's not as bad as all that. I remember my fixation with Cathy C being so damn debilitating, tortuous really, compared to where I am now, I think. Maybe a month from now it will pass, maybe not. If anyone sees me in my world who reads this, and senses that my mind is somewhere else, well, I guess you'll know what it's all about. If you're an attractive woman thirty-five or under, I really don't want to speak to you unless I'm spoken to first, whether I'm otherwise preoccupied or not.
I just couldn't reconcile my attraction to Cathy with the reality of her situation. It took quite a few failed deals for me to be able to give up on the idea of getting something going with someone with a serious boyfriend.
My fixation on individual women did indeed evolve into a problem with women who represented themselves as something they were not; typically, they represented themselves as available and interested when they were either not interested or not interested and not available.
The fixation on women from my psychotic hallucinations was far less caustic and damaging as it could be when one of these later fixations really got a hold of me. One time they went head to head: Snolly, who may have thought that God was on her side when she tried it vs. Monica, the girl at the top of this page. No contest. I gave Snolly about and inch-and-a-half's worth of consideration, and given that my handling of her deal gave her pause and put her in a place that she didn't anticipate, it really was my prerogative.
Nowadays, I may or may not be in the midst of a celebrity fixation. I really don't know if it will be tougher than what I've had to deal with, oh, these last thirty or so years, but it could be bad, I don't know. I've talked about the weird dynamic of fixating on a person I've never even met, but whose presence seems to be in my life regardless. I've talked about the terms in which I think it would end; with some high profile coupling on her part, but maybe not right away. Maybe she's being more discrete this time, and she got in GOIN' AWN right now.
I've learned to just not attempt to engage with women under the age of say, thirty-five, and that at least gives me ammo to fling accusations that whatever static comes forth comes from their end of it, if nothing else. So, naturally, genius that I am, I've got to find another type of woman to tie me up in knots.
Maybe after this one passes, I'll move on to Ariana Grande or Jennifer Lawrence, who are not my current celeb fixation, but may as well be if I my reptile brain ever really lets go of this one.
Maybe it's not as bad as all that. I remember my fixation with Cathy C being so damn debilitating, tortuous really, compared to where I am now, I think. Maybe a month from now it will pass, maybe not. If anyone sees me in my world who reads this, and senses that my mind is somewhere else, well, I guess you'll know what it's all about. If you're an attractive woman thirty-five or under, I really don't want to speak to you unless I'm spoken to first, whether I'm otherwise preoccupied or not.
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