Right now, if I were to align myself with any previous versions of me, I would try to emulate a lot of how I was before this major break. Back then, all I wanted was to do right by myself and those around me and to see that whatever conflicts I had, with Jenna in particular, reached a resolution that benefited her, myself, and everyone else concerned. That was a tall order in and of itself, but it was nothing compared to the times on this blog where I go into this notion that I am able to save the world.
My behavior towards Jenna, though erratic, was nothing short of exemplary in the months, weeks, and days that preceded my meltdown. So much so that my hospitalization, even as sick as I was, was entirely voluntary- in as much as I kept myself out of trouble all through those rough times.
Nowadays I'm not burdened with this notion that I have to make up for some past wrong I did towards someone like Sara. A friend said years later that, at that time, it seemed as if I carried the weight of the world on my shoulders. That belief that I had to make up for how I let Sara go was the catalyst for the courses of action that I took towards Jenna, and that's what led to the major breakdown.
But, through it all, I was just Richard Alexander, not Richy Vegas, a guy who just wanted to do the right thing by all concerned. I just had misguided notions of what that entailed. Now, I feel as if I'm on a better track, and that it has been many, many years since I set myself up for such a great fall as I had in 1992. Now, I don't want to set myself up for a big fall with these notions that I can be Richy Vegas by getting blackout drunk or something such as that.
A friend that I don't see too much of anymore told me over the years that I'd made a big mistake by getting sober. For me, statements and behaviors from people like him just feed into these grandiose notions of Richy Vegas saving the world, and I'm tempted to use drugs and alcohol again. If I do any world saving again, it's going to be as Richard Alexander, the guy who quit all of that substance abuse to improve his relationship with women, and not Richy Vegas, who apparently had the ability to channel divine intervention when he was blackout drunk. That's why I'm glad that I'm doing the comics about a period of life where I had more grounded notions about myself, and all I wanted to do was the right thing, and I may have done something pretty damn special anyway.