Over these past few months, I've found myself in the proximity of an ongoing domestic situation. A situation so serious that people called the cops about it. The most recent episode really slapped me upside the head about things that have been going on in my life for quite a number of years. I've concluded that I've normalized some pretty fucked up things going on with me, probably because of the way I was brought up.
I've talked about two women in particular these past however many years. One I actually approached for social reasons, and did quite well at that, given the circumstances, and another who exists for me as more of an "entity" than an actual person I know. For the one that I asked out, I hope I never see her again. For the "entity," if this being actually exists in the reality we all can agree on, I hope I never meet her.
I had the right idea when I brought up the idea of a probationary period for both of these parties. My only mistake about imposing the probationary period on both of these parties resides in the notion that the period in question will happen at some future date for both of them. I now conclude that both of these parties have already had their probationary period, and that both of them have utterly failed to meet the conditions under which I have any desire at all to move forward with either of them. Why the shift, one might ask? Because I said so. Best reason there is.
As for these two parties and others in my world whom I suspect of having any kind of adversarial role towards me in these matters, I can forgive them and move on, I can forgive them in the "turn the other cheek" sense, because any imagined retaliation on my part towards them will cause only more problems than said retaliation will solve, and those parties that I choose to retaliate against will not feel as if they deserve such punishment from me. That's not how humans work.
The only reason i would consider accepting a romantic prospect from either the young woman I've actually interacted with, or the phantom entity I've talked at length about, would have to do with the "better the devil you know" concept of security and certainty about what would lie ahead for me in the future. That's a terrible reason to accept any prospect of getting with either of these parties. In my case, the devil I know goes all the way back to my childhood, when putdowns, harsh criticism, and pitiless judgement from my siblings and my dad, along with my mom sometimes, ruled the day over support, love, or affection between us. I don't want that devil in my emotional life anymore, in any form, inside of me in some way or out there in the my world. That is all.
I've talked about two women in particular these past however many years. One I actually approached for social reasons, and did quite well at that, given the circumstances, and another who exists for me as more of an "entity" than an actual person I know. For the one that I asked out, I hope I never see her again. For the "entity," if this being actually exists in the reality we all can agree on, I hope I never meet her.
I had the right idea when I brought up the idea of a probationary period for both of these parties. My only mistake about imposing the probationary period on both of these parties resides in the notion that the period in question will happen at some future date for both of them. I now conclude that both of these parties have already had their probationary period, and that both of them have utterly failed to meet the conditions under which I have any desire at all to move forward with either of them. Why the shift, one might ask? Because I said so. Best reason there is.
As for these two parties and others in my world whom I suspect of having any kind of adversarial role towards me in these matters, I can forgive them and move on, I can forgive them in the "turn the other cheek" sense, because any imagined retaliation on my part towards them will cause only more problems than said retaliation will solve, and those parties that I choose to retaliate against will not feel as if they deserve such punishment from me. That's not how humans work.
The only reason i would consider accepting a romantic prospect from either the young woman I've actually interacted with, or the phantom entity I've talked at length about, would have to do with the "better the devil you know" concept of security and certainty about what would lie ahead for me in the future. That's a terrible reason to accept any prospect of getting with either of these parties. In my case, the devil I know goes all the way back to my childhood, when putdowns, harsh criticism, and pitiless judgement from my siblings and my dad, along with my mom sometimes, ruled the day over support, love, or affection between us. I don't want that devil in my emotional life anymore, in any form, inside of me in some way or out there in the my world. That is all.
RSS Feed
