I count many, many adversarial situations over the years, but many, many fewer situations where someone I really, really liked had a genuine interest in getting to know me better. So few in fact, that I really don't know what people around me expect of me. Seriously. Do I switch gears somehow and try to assertively approach this person for social reasons, or do I just keep on doing what I usually do?
I think a willingness to let such an opportunity slip through my fingers could take a lot more courage, ultimately, than if I all of a sudden tried to meet such a person halfway. My experiences coming to terms with my love addiction teach me that if I really walk the walk; that is, if I really can live a meaningful life without a romantic love relationship, than it follows that I can let an opportunity to get with a person I really care for slip through my fingers.
Often times, throughout my adult life, I've imagined myself, in private, alone moments, really raging against friends who I felt really treated me badly over the years. In the past week or so, I've found that an understanding that I ranked somewhere at the bottom of the pecking order in so many social groups I've been a part of helps mitigate these unfettered feelings of rage against so many of my peers of these past thirty-plus years. I see how people in my life really regarded me as lower than other peers, and how this affected how they treated other peers with a lot more respect than they treated me. Believe it or not, I've found this realization soothing, calming.
I've decided that I don't have to prove myself worthy of someone I really care for as much as that other party might want to think about meeting me halfway, somehow. Now, if it's really up to me to carry the full load I sometimes feel as if many, many people expect me to carry, then I will carry that load on my own terms, with my own conditions. I may not wind up being that person's boyfriend if everyone out there insists that I carry the burden of making sure things work out. My methods I've adopted over the years can help build trust, but I really don't get laid a lot and I really don't have many dates with women. But, if it's totally up to me, I will just continue to do it my way.