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I can only wear so many hats

10/28/2022

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I often talk about my adopted approach to how I relate to women I have an attraction to.  I often talk about how I display a willingness to let opportunities to get with women slip through my fingers.  I say that by displaying this willingness to let opportunities slip through my fingers, I demonstrate an ability to look out for the object of my desire's best interests as well as mine.  My approach in how I relate to women comes from the many, many adversarial situations I've found myself in with many, many women since my twenties.

I count many, many adversarial situations over the years, but many, many fewer situations where someone I really, really liked had a genuine interest in getting to know me better.  So few in fact, that I really don't know what people around me expect of me.  Seriously.  Do I switch gears somehow and try to assertively approach this person for social reasons, or do I just keep on doing what  I usually do?

I think a willingness to let such an opportunity slip through my fingers could take a lot more courage, ultimately, than if I all of a sudden tried to meet such a person halfway.  My experiences coming to terms  with my love addiction teach me that if I really walk the walk; that is, if I really can live a meaningful life without a romantic love relationship, than it follows that I can let an opportunity to get with a person I really care for slip through my fingers.

Often times, throughout my adult life, I've imagined myself, in private, alone moments, really raging against friends who I felt really treated me badly over the years.  In the past week or so, I've found that an understanding that I ranked somewhere at the bottom of the pecking order in so many social groups I've been a part of helps mitigate these unfettered feelings of rage against so many of my peers of these past thirty-plus years.  I see how people in my life really regarded me as lower than other peers, and how this affected how they treated other peers with a lot more respect than they treated me.  Believe it or not, I've found this realization soothing, calming.

I've decided that I don't have to prove myself worthy of someone I really care for as much as that other party might want to think about meeting me halfway, somehow.  Now, if it's really up to me to carry the full load I sometimes feel as if many, many people expect me to carry, then I will carry that load on my own terms, with my own conditions.  I may not wind up being that person's boyfriend if everyone out there insists that I carry the burden of making sure things work out.  My methods I've adopted over the years can help build trust, but I really don't get laid a lot and I really don't have many dates with women.  But, if it's totally up to me, I will just continue to do it my way.
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