I write frequently about how much Dr. David Burns' book "Feeling Good" has helped me. I'm serious about that. I would trade all the time in all of the therapy I had if it came down to a choice between therapy and the insights I've gained from that book. The most helpful insight came from what he had to say about Love Addiction, but that is not all by a long shot.
That said; all Dr Burns really has to say about Love Addiction in his chapter about it is that romantic love is not a need like oxygen, food, or water. He just kind of says that over and over in the ten or so pages of the chapter. In another part of the book he has the reader take a self-evaluation quiz that includes questions designed to glean the importance of love to the reader. He says in the results section that someone with the problem of Love Addiction will find themselves taking on put-down roles. Anyone who has been in such a predicament knows what he is talking about when he talks about taking on put-down roles.
He doesn't spell out that the intense, romantic obsessions that I found so crippling throughout my adult life are a symptom of Love Addiction. He just kind of said a few general things about how love is not a need, and in previous chapters he outlined how one could do written exercises that get at the specific unspoken thoughts in writing, and how to challenge their validity. One really has to be on one's game in the first place to be able to connect these kind of dots from "Feeling Good," which is unfortunate, because it really is a book meant for people dealing with the debilitating consequences of depression.
From personal experience, one can find oneself drowning in emotional pain, and that was a point where for me, nothing short of an hospitalization and extended period of recuperation without the usual adult pressures to be employed and whatnot would suffice. Truthfully, thirty hours a week was about the most I was good for in the way of menial employment after that throughout the 90's. I worked even less once I got on SSDI, and throughout all of it I've had financial assistance from my family.
There is a Cognitive Therapy based group that meets in Austin out Northwest at some church once a week. It used to be called Recovery Inc. It was apparently founded in the 1930's by a psychiatrist. I guess it hasn't had the hold and traction of Alcoholic's Anonymous, but I guess it's there if I or anyone else needs it.
If one is reading this blog for the first time and wants to know how I first approached the dilemma of Love Addiction in my twenties; look at the bog post, "I'm not bad," from January 2016. Later posts such as,"I'm breaking my silence on this issue," from July of 2016 tell what resulted from this experiment. Other posts between those two and after show how I am able, in my humble opinion, to size up the women in my world and make intelligent decisions about them.
So, the original topic of this post: going the other way. What I mean by that is this: the women that I have traditionally found most attractive-an attraction based so very much on physical appearance and youth- didn't readily make themselves available to me for dating and friendships when I would pursue them. Boy, that's an understatement, but there it is. I found out much more about where these women were really coming from and what they were about when I went the other way on them- whatever direction I found that moved me away from them. Believe me, it's not been some big sex party for me since I've taught myself how to do this. But, since priority one from day one was how to best stay out of trouble so that I could buy myself some more time to get it right, I'd say mission accomplished.
If anyone wants to try doing what I've done, one will realize that a wall of doubt will come up, and the first thing to do is crash through it. If one does a good job of it, one will find crashing through the wall of doubt that one really, really is turning one's back on true, everlasting love with a move away from the type of person who might or might not be the hurtin' kind; one will find that crashing through that kind of wall becomes a standard arrow in one's personal quiver, and for me that's been a great thing.
Remember, love is not a need. If it's really true that a person can be happy without love, then turning one's back on what may or may not be the love of one's life shouldn't be the problem one was so afraid it was for so long. In fact, if one is trying this kind of move for the first time in their adult life, such a mistake could be pretty understandable, and one can really forgive oneself for at least trying to look out for number one, for once.
That said; all Dr Burns really has to say about Love Addiction in his chapter about it is that romantic love is not a need like oxygen, food, or water. He just kind of says that over and over in the ten or so pages of the chapter. In another part of the book he has the reader take a self-evaluation quiz that includes questions designed to glean the importance of love to the reader. He says in the results section that someone with the problem of Love Addiction will find themselves taking on put-down roles. Anyone who has been in such a predicament knows what he is talking about when he talks about taking on put-down roles.
He doesn't spell out that the intense, romantic obsessions that I found so crippling throughout my adult life are a symptom of Love Addiction. He just kind of said a few general things about how love is not a need, and in previous chapters he outlined how one could do written exercises that get at the specific unspoken thoughts in writing, and how to challenge their validity. One really has to be on one's game in the first place to be able to connect these kind of dots from "Feeling Good," which is unfortunate, because it really is a book meant for people dealing with the debilitating consequences of depression.
From personal experience, one can find oneself drowning in emotional pain, and that was a point where for me, nothing short of an hospitalization and extended period of recuperation without the usual adult pressures to be employed and whatnot would suffice. Truthfully, thirty hours a week was about the most I was good for in the way of menial employment after that throughout the 90's. I worked even less once I got on SSDI, and throughout all of it I've had financial assistance from my family.
There is a Cognitive Therapy based group that meets in Austin out Northwest at some church once a week. It used to be called Recovery Inc. It was apparently founded in the 1930's by a psychiatrist. I guess it hasn't had the hold and traction of Alcoholic's Anonymous, but I guess it's there if I or anyone else needs it.
If one is reading this blog for the first time and wants to know how I first approached the dilemma of Love Addiction in my twenties; look at the bog post, "I'm not bad," from January 2016. Later posts such as,"I'm breaking my silence on this issue," from July of 2016 tell what resulted from this experiment. Other posts between those two and after show how I am able, in my humble opinion, to size up the women in my world and make intelligent decisions about them.
So, the original topic of this post: going the other way. What I mean by that is this: the women that I have traditionally found most attractive-an attraction based so very much on physical appearance and youth- didn't readily make themselves available to me for dating and friendships when I would pursue them. Boy, that's an understatement, but there it is. I found out much more about where these women were really coming from and what they were about when I went the other way on them- whatever direction I found that moved me away from them. Believe me, it's not been some big sex party for me since I've taught myself how to do this. But, since priority one from day one was how to best stay out of trouble so that I could buy myself some more time to get it right, I'd say mission accomplished.
If anyone wants to try doing what I've done, one will realize that a wall of doubt will come up, and the first thing to do is crash through it. If one does a good job of it, one will find crashing through the wall of doubt that one really, really is turning one's back on true, everlasting love with a move away from the type of person who might or might not be the hurtin' kind; one will find that crashing through that kind of wall becomes a standard arrow in one's personal quiver, and for me that's been a great thing.
Remember, love is not a need. If it's really true that a person can be happy without love, then turning one's back on what may or may not be the love of one's life shouldn't be the problem one was so afraid it was for so long. In fact, if one is trying this kind of move for the first time in their adult life, such a mistake could be pretty understandable, and one can really forgive oneself for at least trying to look out for number one, for once.
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