That whole next semester I saw my time with Katy as a missed opportunity to deal with my virginity dilemma. I had my second psychotic episode at a restaurant job in March or April, and that all started when this kid who worked there made fun of me for being a virgin. I did not have the self awareness to know until he said something that people could tell that about me rather easily. I tripped on half a hit of acid after work, stayed up all night with two male friends, and went to work with no sleep the next night. The psychotic episode centered around the idea that all the fellow employees knew I was a virgin and that the customers could tell as well.
The next Summer I called Katy again. She agreed to go out with me. I was all hot to get laid, and I pretty much tried to force a sexual encounter with her. She fended me off, but I came off as hostile and surly to her as she drove my truck to her house. I didn't even know how mad I'd made her until I called a day later. I called the day after that and apologized. I tripped on ecstasy the following Friday and talked to someone I knew from art school and my social circle, and later that Summer she became the first girl I ever dated. In the Fall of 1986, I had an encounter at a nightclub with some of Katy's friends where I felt as if I had to show that I was willing to defend myself should they try to start something with me.
In 1996 I washed dishes at a restaurant where Snolly worked. When Snolly first started working there, she would give me a really nice smile as we passed in the kitchen. One day I stared at her in anticipation of this gesture of hers and she caught me, and it spooked her. After that, she didn't typically come off as open with me.
After I'd quit the dishwashing job, I saw Snolly and some other restaurant employees at a party a few days before Halloween. I walked up to her and another girl from the restaurant, and Snolly promptly walked off. Later that night, at a house where about eight restaurant employees and I hung out, I brought up something to a guy named James. James had accused me of raping the girl I'd met at the Cannibal Club in 1989. Apparently, while in a blackout drunk over at James and Zac's house in September of 1996, I'd brought up the whole Legend of Richy Vegas story about the Cannibal Club, and Vernon Hoe, and I told Zac and James that I'd prevented Jenna from getting raped by Billy Billiams in 1992. James apparently took a swig of gin, squirted it in my face as I sat on the floor in front of the couch wasted out of my mind, and accused me of raping that girl at the Cannibal Club whom I'd met in August of 1989. He then made me arm wrestle him to prove that I hadn't raped that girl, and, though compromised by my ultra-drunken state, I beat him twice. Wow.
Anyhoo, at that house where all of those employees and I hung out, I brought this blackout up to James and accused him of insulting my honor. In the coming weeks I suspected a manager at that restaurant, Lane, of trying to build Snolly up as a bogus love interest through remarks that my crazy ass could take out of context and apply to Snolly. I brought this up to my therapist, and brought up the idea of just asking Lane if he knew of any girls at that restaurant that liked me. My therapist encouraged me to try that, so I did. Lane said he didn't know of any girls at the restaurant that liked me when I called him about it soon after. My therapist said the people in restaurant do play games, so this stuff might not all just exist in my head.
Around Halloween of 1997, I saw Snolly again at a party. She smiled at me in a mischievous, knowing way as she walked by me. I don't think she meant it at my expense, but rather appreciated how clever I'd been in dealing with that dilemma brought on by Lane and possibly herself. A little later, I talk to her some, then I walked to the all night grocery store to buy cigarettes. When I returned to the party, Snolly had left. The next day, at the video store, a manager at that restaurant named David seemed really happy to see me. At a Scratch Acid show in 2006, David and another old manager of that restaurant, named Joel, both seemed really happy to talk to me. I never ran into Snolly again after that party in 1997. I figured she'd moved out of town sometime after that.
Let's compare Katy and Snolly on the issue of forgiveness. I tried to come off to Katy as if I'd forgiven her and wanted sex in return. I came off to Snolly as if I'd forgiven her and just let her go. I think forgiveness involves letting go of one's pain and moving on, rather than forgiving someone in hopes of getting something material in return. I think Katy felt bad about how she'd treated me, and that motivated her to go out with me on that date. For my part, I wanted to lose my virginity, so we occupied two totally different worlds as to what we wanted to happen that night.
Last Summer I accused that young woman who works at that business of encouraging her boyfriends to act as if they wanted to fight me. I also brought up a couple of times at the Lost Well where I thought I had to let some guys know I would try my best to defend myself if it came to that. I also brought up an artist named Mark Hogancamp, who survived a savage beating and tries to come to terms with that through his art. I accused this young woman of being a bully and a coward.
I think that this young woman might feel bad about any type of adversarial role she may have adopted in relation to me, and perhaps wants to make it up to me somehow. For my part, if it comes down to a choice of one of two options, with one of the options involving an effort on both our parts to work things out and see if we could get together as friends and whatnot, and the other option just involves me letting all of that stuff go by the wayside and getting on with my life, I think I would choose the latter. I don't feel as if this young woman owes me anything material, and I would just advise her to try to do better next time she finds herself in a similar situation. Now, if it ever came to point where I found myself alone with this young woman in a social situation, what happened that night with Katy won't happen. I just want to make that clear. I do plan on patronizing her place of employment at times that I think she might work there- for the immediate future anyway. She's really pretty, and I don't want to bother her, but I'd just as soon let all of that stuff go.