Over the course of the semester there was this and that as far as flirtations and so forth, and the teacher, who seemed to have a feminist axe to grind in her coverage of the stories, seemed to provide a running Greek chorus to whatever went on between myself and this young woman, which wasn't much of anything, really.
Nonetheless, I would play my roommate's Iggy Pop record with its version of "China Girl," a song later made famous by David Bowie, when I was at home in order to signify that I carried a torch for this young woman. Really.
I eventually asked her out, she said she had a boyfriend, and not much else- at least not much else in regards to this post. It wasn't some big traumatic crash and burn episode, but, as I thought about it further on into my undergraduate career, I wondered if I really needed to ask her out in the first place.
I've concluded that it wasn't the worst thing to ask her out, but, based on the experience of it, I would just as soon not go there in the first place if I can help it. Back around the beginning of this decade, I decided to try to overcome a fear of rejection by asking out whomever I felt like asking out. This meant the young waitresses and baristas in my world, mostly. I compiled quite an oh-fer on that expedition. Since that time when I asked a bunch of young women out, I looked back at my time with Sara in my last days of UT, and how I played chicken with the notion that I would just blow off LOVE this one time to see what would really happen; I decided that was not such a bad approach in the end. I've found myself much more satisfied with the outcomes of my interactions with these young women in my world when I factored in my approach to the dilemmas that Sara presented way back in 1988.
Anyhow, I've decided that maybe I lack an ability to filter out unimportant interactions with these young women in my world, and that that may be a big part of my problem. This may be because of my love addiction (it's certainly a symptom of it, in my opinion). I've even thought it might be something really freaky, such as a membrane that never formed in the space in the center of my brain where the lobes encounter the top of the spinal cord when I was in the womb because my mom might have had the flu or something. They've found this lack of membrane thing to be an indicator of schizophrenia in later life. I don't know if my deal with these young women is as elemental as that, but if it helps me to think along those lines in regards to somehow LEARNING how to filter unimportant interactions with young women in my world, so be it.
These last several posts talked about a young woman in my world I have a fondness for. The turnaround on her-from the first notion that she may present possibilities to the point where I decide against pursuing her romantically- the turnaround on her took a week and five days. That's pretty good. Readers of this blog know I can be tied up in knots about weird shit like the Invisible Woman for weeks or months at a time, so a week and five days to make such a decision is, I hope, a sign of progress.
I'll show my readers my math on her. Okay, first there were issues about whether this young woman was even available and/or interested in the first place. Second, she works at one of these businesses that I patronize on a regular basis, which is a deal that's never worked for me. Thirdly, a couple of interactions I had with her did not seem to show a side of her that had any enthusiasm for me. Fourthly, and this is the kicker, I entertained notions of bending over backwards to accommodate her in an effort to make everything work out between us and also be okay with everyone else, and what might she do in return? I stopped myself there. She might not have been shitty about me asking her out, but I guess we'll never know.
I guess that I would like to approach someone who has some of the qualities of youth and beauty this young woman has, but I couldn't help but feel just a little jerked around by her. I don't like jerked around. Since I've quit drinking I've had more overt offers for dating from a few women-LOTS more overt than anything this woman might or might not be putting out there- but I had reasons to turn them down. So, some combination of things I like about her, but someone who does not do the "mixed signal" thing, thank you very much. Oh, one more thing; I'm not up for a running debate in my head about whether or not this young woman deliberately, consciously puts out mixed signals, or whether that is all in my head. Nope, I'm just deciding I don't want any part of that.