Since the age of twenty I've attracted the attention of a weird kind of female bully. I guess they would characterize themselves as alluring femme fatales or some such shit as that, but really, they're just bullies. I've been thinking about my relationship with this one older sister I had right around the onset of puberty. She would physically attack me and scratch my arms up with her nails and shit like that. As my hormones progressed, I saw her as an alluring target for feels on her titties and peeping at her undressing and whatnot, which she would label as incestuous. So, there's some sadomasochistic issues for you. Eh?
That would explain my attraction to these bully types I've encountered since the onset of my mental illness at the age of twenty. For the past ten or eleven years I've been dealing with the symptoms of love addiction without really putting my finger on some of that stuff. As far as my family goes, there's just a rich bountiful harvest of dysfunction to choose from, but yeah, the sadomasochistic issues with very attractive, young women.....
With this last bully, I never even tried to talk to her. There was just something so sketchy about her from day one, that stopped me right there. I wavered quite a bit from time to time, but "home" for me always returned to the idea of having no real desire to try to have anything at all to do with her. Who cares from whence her shit came? I don't. Regular readers of this space know I went on quite a bit about her, but in real life, no attempt to have anything to do with her could contain the promise of possibility my fixations on these kinds of women used to have. If she was doing her little schtick on behalf of someone from my past, well, some asshole type always wants to step up to the plate and face me- to the point where I don't particularly care what particular chute this or that turd rolled down from any more. There's more where she came from, I guess. What I'm hoping for is a reverse domino effect. In other words, I feel no need to try and rebound with any other women in my world (young waitress/barista types) over this latest bully I've dealt with, and so I hope that state of mind continues.
That would explain my attraction to these bully types I've encountered since the onset of my mental illness at the age of twenty. For the past ten or eleven years I've been dealing with the symptoms of love addiction without really putting my finger on some of that stuff. As far as my family goes, there's just a rich bountiful harvest of dysfunction to choose from, but yeah, the sadomasochistic issues with very attractive, young women.....
With this last bully, I never even tried to talk to her. There was just something so sketchy about her from day one, that stopped me right there. I wavered quite a bit from time to time, but "home" for me always returned to the idea of having no real desire to try to have anything at all to do with her. Who cares from whence her shit came? I don't. Regular readers of this space know I went on quite a bit about her, but in real life, no attempt to have anything to do with her could contain the promise of possibility my fixations on these kinds of women used to have. If she was doing her little schtick on behalf of someone from my past, well, some asshole type always wants to step up to the plate and face me- to the point where I don't particularly care what particular chute this or that turd rolled down from any more. There's more where she came from, I guess. What I'm hoping for is a reverse domino effect. In other words, I feel no need to try and rebound with any other women in my world (young waitress/barista types) over this latest bully I've dealt with, and so I hope that state of mind continues.
RSS Feed
