As I've tried to improve my relationship with women over these past ten or fifteen years or so, I've come up with quite a different personal definition of what it means to "settle." The first thing that one should realize about me, is that for the longest time, most of my adult life in fact, I would unconsciously select those women in my world who were the most attractive, and somehow make it about them. Sometimes to a greater extent, nowadays to a much lesser extent, if at all, I'm happy to say.
To me, making it about the best looking women in my world, regardless of whether they are available or not, regardless of whether they are interested in me or not, regardless of whether they even like me as a person or not, amounts to "settling" in the most fundamental sense of the word. That's because, if I were to just carry on making it about the best looking women in my world in substantive ways, that would mean I was not making any effort at all to change my overall relationship with women for the better.
I could think of several women I've been on dates with over these last ten or fifteen years that I would rather go out with again than go out on even one date with some of the best looking women in my world at this time. These women I would prefer to go out with may not look as good as these best-looking-women-in-my-world-today, they may not be as young as these best-looking-women-in-my- world-today, but, for the most part, they were demonstrably nicer to me than all of these best-looking-women-in-my-world, who shall remain nameless.
I remember this male cook who worked at Rhythm House back in 1999. There was this waitress who worked there whom this cook knew from a previous restaurant where they both worked. The waitress was really pretty, and she seemed really cool, and was sought after by young men who worked at Rhythm House, whether as employees of the restaurant, or as music acts.
Anyhoo, this male cook really didn't seem to have much of an interest in her, to the point where, when another male employee would sing her praises, he wouldn't say much of anything. As far as I could tell, this male cook and this waitress got along well enough in their working relationship, he just didn't seem to be much of a fan of hers.
It was only after she went to rehab that everyone found out the extent of her drug problem. One of the big questions the male employees who liked her had about her was whether she was fully gay, bisexual, what's up with her. She never dated anyone or had any dates with anyone that we all knew of. So, the male cook just knew this about her, and stories began to surface about how she'd use and ripoff people for drug money. She was more into drugs that dating and all of that.
My point is, I think it was okay for this male cook to be kind of cool towards her in their interactions and cool in reference to her when she wasn't around. I've talked about how some of the most attractive women in my world have really come off to me as a major disappointment in various ways, and I think it's okay for me to be kind of cool towards these women in much the same way that James was cool to this waitress.