As someone with a major mental illness, I'm very familiar with the ins and outs of the therapy experience. I've had therapists be very helpful, and I've had therapists who were not helpful at all. Sometimes they were the same person. That can be frustrating. However, I've decided to see a therapist online due to this ongoing situation involving this famous woman I've been writing at length about these past several months. The main reason for this decision comes from the desire to have a more private means of working this stuff out than blogging on the internet in front of God and everyone can provide. I'm afraid of blowback for anything I write on this blog. That is all.
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First off, I WON'T mention that famous person I go on and on about in my Patreon posts. I've never been hassled by anyone on her end for what I have posted about her. I figure as long as I don't try to overtly make money off of mentions of her on any platform, I should be okay. So Patreon posts will cover my comics and music. I guess I might make an exception for songs I sing about her, but then again, maybe I won't. I guess I can just post any new videos that feature songs about her on YouTube, which doesn't monetize any of my content. I actually like this person's records.
The link below will take you to my Patreon page. This one isn't behind a paywall, as far as I can tell. I'm testing all of this stuff out. I will have no set rules on what I post here existing behind a paywall on Patreon or free content one can just still read here, or a hybrid of the two, if one can imagine.
The price for being a creative person who finds himself completely not beholden to the market comes from the fact that I still feel obligated to report what chump change I do make to the proper tax authorities, state and federal. This is NOT a bid to make actual substantial coin at this game. I'm too experienced at this to have that expectation. Right now I have ZERO patrons on Patreon. Since I set up the Patreon account well over a year ago, I've attracted ZERO patrons total, and made ZERO dollars a month in patronage. I'll be "happy" if I can manage to wrangle eight dollars a month in patronage from the body politic by, say, a year from now. That is all. https://www.patreon.com/posts/nothing-from-86084467?utm_medium=clipboard_copy&utm_source=copyLink&utm_campaign=postshare_creator&utm_content=join_link I've turned a corner with "Wanda," Sara, "Linda," "Gwen," Anne Marie, "Jenna," "Snolly," that former cashier at that grocery store I've patronized, and, I feel, with this famous woman I've been writing about for these past several months. Sometimes I've behaved in less than wonderful ways with someone after such a turning point, as was the case with Wanda. Sometimes the love interest didn't like my behavior at some point after, but what's done is done, as was the case with Linda. Other times, I just bailed because I felt stuck in the mud in spite of all I did to bring things to a turning point, as was the case with Sara, Anne Marie, and that former cashier from that grocery store.
If I felt stuck again at any point after I felt as if I moved heaven and earth to make things better with someone, the option to bail on the whole deal is so much more acceptable to me than to engage in behaviors that display my dissatisfaction with things in a really shitty way to someone I care for. I just get so mad and frustrated with these women sometimes. I've felt, and still feel, to a great extent, stuck in the mud in regards to this famous person. But, you know what, we're both far enough along in our personal development, I feel, that if either or both of us wants out, right now, we should both be cool with the other party's decision to bail. If she read my last post, and didn't like what I had to say, and she wanted to move on to greener pastures, that's her right. It's my right too. I've never, ever dated someone who came at me in the adversarial manner in which I feel this famous person came at me. I've had quite a number of women do this to me. I've been able to turn a corner with quite a few of them, but I've never gone the whole way with them. This ain't no rom-com, it's my life. It's my prerogative whether or not I want to try to go any further, and it's her prerogative whether or not to go any further as well. Like I've said, I've had so many women come at me locked and loaded for bear, and I don't think any of these women, or any male friends or male acquaintances I've known, have had these experiences to the extent that I've had. I've never, ever even had male friends or acquaintances tell a story about turning such a situation one hundred and eighty degrees to their favor. Never. So, that might mean that nearly everyone who reads this blog doesn't have even close to the experiences I've had with these situations. The insight that even though, yes, I've never dated someone who full on came at me in this adversarial manner I'm now so familiar with, and that I've never been able to get advice from any other guy as to how to proceed in a constructive way, because I've never even met, to the best of my knowledge, any guy who has been in this same place, over and over and over again; the insight that I've managed to turn a corner with LOTS of these women, nonetheless; that's my insight and my insight alone to discover, to the best of my knowledge. I thought that thought this afternoon. If this famous person has already decided to quit this deal, I'm okay with that. I'm not happy if she's decided to bail, but I can live with that. If she has not, I'm ready to go on further with it. I've sent some postcards to her fan club address, I could send a few more. I don't really need to go into the absurdity of what that previous sentence is supposed to convey. Do I? But yeah, I've been over the craziness of all of this, so no need to go further with that. Okay, let's suppose some things I will now bring up are true. Let's suppose this famous woman I go on and on about these days really did spend a good deal of the last seven years trying to do some vicious takedown of me. And let's suppose that, as of late February of 2023, she changed her mind for some reason. Suppose she takes me seriously now as someone she would maybe like to get to know better. What do I do now?
Because, on the one hand, she tried to do some vicious takedown of me, and this effort dates back to 2016, no less, and she figured that whole time that God was on her side, and she mustered incredible resources in an effort to take me down on someone else's behalf. Resources such as upper tier members of her fan base whom she called upon to stand in for her in my everyday world, a knowhow and ability to create an online presence of me that I did not consent to and that I couldn't find, given my lack of knowhow and resources, and the ability to dog me with this kind of shit no matter where I might find myself at any given time. Okay, on the other hand, the person who did this, I'm supposing, now has some kind of interest in me that one might say is more....positive. Now, wherever I go, it's almost as if I'm spoken for by this person. I have to take this into consideration if I have any desire to approach other women for social reasons, and I have to watch what I say online on this forum or any other, just to cite a couple of possible examples of how things might have changed, and maybe not for the better. I have to take all of this into consideration, because supposedly this new found interest from this person presents me with some great opportunity. Now it's on ME to play MY cards right. Her, not so much. She's got all of this money, fame, love of the masses, etc., so it's not as if she NEEDS me to work out for her as much as I NEED her to work out for me. Funny how that works, isn't it. She engages in all of this prior misconduct towards me, but I'm the one who has to take primary responsibility to bring it all home for our love. Maybe that's because I've proven extremely adept at dealing with all of this shit she threw my way, starting in 2016, so naturally my very capable hands will prove suitable for getting all of this stuff to work out for us. Or maybe, maybe, in addition to Richard Alexander proving a capable steward for our love, Richard Alexander is fifty-nine years old, has a major mental illness, has limited financial resources (especially in comparison to her), and has not achieved success in his chosen creative fields in comparison to her. So this is a great opportunity for Richard Alexander, and Richard Alexander needs to just bury HER hatchet as expeditiously as he can, because Richard Alexander is the one who has everything to gain and nothing to lose if this deal comes off. Well, that's bullshit. Suppose, as long as we're supposing, that it were not me who had this "opportunity," but say, one of those guys who play one of those superheroes in those Marvel movies. You know, Captain America, Falcon, Ant Man, the guy from Guardians of the Galaxy, Thor, one of those assholes. People would look at such an "opportunity" presented to one of them, and they would likely say, "Dude! Are you insane! After all the shit she brought your way! Are you nuts? Have you lost your fucking mind? She totally tried to shit on you the worst way she knew how. Fuck no to that! Fuck no!" That is all. No, that is not all. Many might say that I'm shooting myself in the foot with these words I now write. I don't think so. I'm letting her know exactly where she stands with me. She can now make an informed, intelligent decision about how she wants to proceed in regards to me. If she were to say, "To hell with this guy! I'm out of here!" from this point forward, she would do so without the ability to accuse me of mistreating her in any way. Name one instance, anyone, where I mistreated her. Name one instance, anyone, where I did one single thing without her best interests at heart. This blog post demonstrates a continued willingness to accept an outcome where we don't become boyfriend and girlfriend, and I think that demonstrated willingness shows that I, as always, have her best interests at heart, over and above any desire to get with her at all costs. The other night I ate at a restaurant and got really shitty service from the waitresses. About a year ago I ate there, and one of the waitresses seemed as if she tried to make a date with me. She was really cute, and I wrestled with the idea that she was actually doing that from the time she put that out there in the afternoon I ate there until the time she said she would hang out at the same restaurant expecting to see me later that evening. Anyhoo, it shook out that she appeared to make herself seem more available than she actually was, but I didn't make a total ass of myself in the bargain.
So I go in there for the first time in almost a year, and this same waitress still works there. I play it off like it's no big deal, order from her, eat, leave a nice tip, and leave. No big deal, right. So the last two times I go in there, this waitress doesn't work there, which is fine, because that's not why I'm there. She's literally the last person I've met in the past year I want to approach for social reasons, because of my history of getting hung up on unavailable women of the type that seem more available that they actually are at the outset. At the same time, I've been around enough to know that a lot of attractive young women will just be this way towards me from time to time, for whatever dumbass reasons they may individually have, so it's not something I care to make a federal case out of these days. I'd like to think I'm over all of that. I turned fifty-nine the other day. Okay? So the shitty service, if I take it personally, and I might actually want to take it as some kind of hint, right, might stem from this: The other waitresses thought I was in there trying to prove what a great guy I was about what happened around this time last year, with the "date" and all of that. Was I really in there for that reason? I'd like to think not, because that great guy shit can be really manipulative, and it's something I've tried to make a point of not doing since I got onto that as one of my unsavory behaviors. So, what to do now? I guess I won't patronize that restaurant for quite some time, if at all. After all, the service WAS pretty shitty, and I'd just as soon not eat there, for whatever reason. Along this line of thought, I might also not want to send any more postcards to that famous person's fan club. Maybe the postcards were a "great guy" gesture in light of how shitty I perceived this NOTION of her in my head to have acted towards me since 2016. So, there could be one of at least two reasons why I'd never hear from this famous person, even though I sent her some postcards over a period of time: 1) She has no idea who I am, and I could not reasonably expect a response to the postcard overture, or 2) She DOES know who I am, and she does not want to respond to such a transparent great guy gesture, because, well, just because of what I said about how great guy gestures tend to come off as manipulative. I've sent her two postcards via her fan club address, I planned to send five, but maybe I'll just leave it at two. |
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August 2023
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