If it's true that some women in my world want me to make it about her, and by her I mean that former cashier I still go on and on about; if it's true that they want to try to impress upon me a certain reality concerning this young woman; then I may have figured out the why of these methods last night. I see stuff such as an attractive young waitress being aloof and standoffish towards me when, a short time before, she had no problem talking to me, and I continually experience the presence of that former cashier's absence on a day to day basis, and I go to my regular coffee shop and the attractive young women seem to be "talking about" the situation, and I see other people in my world as in on some sort of knowledge loop that I'm not in on; I see all of that as controlling behaviors. I hate controlling behavior.
Put all of that with the fact that this young woman has never expressed a desire to get to know me better in any way I can accept and understand, and I have a case for this young woman and her confederates engaging in controlling behaviors towards me. On top of that, when she did come around to my place of employment last year, she seemed to want her mere presence in my world to inspire me to jump through her hoops and put myself out there, yet again. Controlling behavior. I hate controlling behavior. Why can't she just do like I did and put herself out there and see what happens? I've come to the conclusion that the combination of these guessed-at controlling behaviors and the lack of anything that's not total bullshit in the way of honestly expressing an interest in me come from the same place. I think she's afraid, terrified possibly, that I will reject her.
Okay, okay, no, now that I might actually have a handle on why she and others are behaving towards me in this obnoxious, controlling manner, I'm backing off of that impulse to reject her. Okay? I'll try to be kind to her about this. I will, I promise. If this insight I had last night does indeed bear fruit as a genuine insight, if she really does these behaviors, and if she's roped in others to do her dirty work for her, and if I do have a genuine, compassionate insight as to the why of all of this, then I've proved something I wrote about a few posts back.
When I like someone, I want to get to know them better. Now, one thing I discovered a long time ago concerns the way I used to behave towards someone such as her when someone such as her entered my purview- my sphere of mental and emotional concern. Oftentimes, the situation would degenerate into me making almost daily phone calls to women such as Veronica or Wanda in hopes that banging my head against the wall in that manner would yield results. Things just went to shit, of course. I never knew these women at all when it was over. I learned next to nothing about them when I engaged in such obsessive behaviors towards them.
Now, Sara, Sara in 1988, that's the first time I ever felt as if I knew one of these make-me-crazy types in a way I never knew Veronica or Wanda or Katy. That was the first time I tried the "what if I turned my back on love" experiment. These types have never afforded me much access to them, and perhaps, last night, I might have found out the why of all of that: fear of rejection. Like I said, when I like someone, I want to get to know them better. I feel now, about this former cashier, that I might have actually made a good guess as to the why of all of this.
I want to emphasize this next point, now that we're here. I shouldn't have much of a problem being patient and compassionate towards this young woman. It really shouldn't put me out to display that side of myself to her now. It sure was a strain getting here, but now that I'm here, it's all good, as the kids say. Yeah, I may have reached a real breakthrough when my thinking last night led me to see something that may actually be from her point of view. I'll be nice, I promise. I care for her a great deal.
Now, in my efforts to display more compassion and understanding towards her, I will dance with them that brung me. In other words, I will try to refrain from patronizing a certain diner and a certain coffee shop for a while. I will possibly try to refrain from patronizing these two places for quite some time. How long? I'm shooting for the rest of this month. I don't know if I'll succeed, but I do feel as if my efforts to build a wall between myself and these employees at these businesses may have helped lead me to this insight about this woman I care a great deal for.
Put all of that with the fact that this young woman has never expressed a desire to get to know me better in any way I can accept and understand, and I have a case for this young woman and her confederates engaging in controlling behaviors towards me. On top of that, when she did come around to my place of employment last year, she seemed to want her mere presence in my world to inspire me to jump through her hoops and put myself out there, yet again. Controlling behavior. I hate controlling behavior. Why can't she just do like I did and put herself out there and see what happens? I've come to the conclusion that the combination of these guessed-at controlling behaviors and the lack of anything that's not total bullshit in the way of honestly expressing an interest in me come from the same place. I think she's afraid, terrified possibly, that I will reject her.
Okay, okay, no, now that I might actually have a handle on why she and others are behaving towards me in this obnoxious, controlling manner, I'm backing off of that impulse to reject her. Okay? I'll try to be kind to her about this. I will, I promise. If this insight I had last night does indeed bear fruit as a genuine insight, if she really does these behaviors, and if she's roped in others to do her dirty work for her, and if I do have a genuine, compassionate insight as to the why of all of this, then I've proved something I wrote about a few posts back.
When I like someone, I want to get to know them better. Now, one thing I discovered a long time ago concerns the way I used to behave towards someone such as her when someone such as her entered my purview- my sphere of mental and emotional concern. Oftentimes, the situation would degenerate into me making almost daily phone calls to women such as Veronica or Wanda in hopes that banging my head against the wall in that manner would yield results. Things just went to shit, of course. I never knew these women at all when it was over. I learned next to nothing about them when I engaged in such obsessive behaviors towards them.
Now, Sara, Sara in 1988, that's the first time I ever felt as if I knew one of these make-me-crazy types in a way I never knew Veronica or Wanda or Katy. That was the first time I tried the "what if I turned my back on love" experiment. These types have never afforded me much access to them, and perhaps, last night, I might have found out the why of all of that: fear of rejection. Like I said, when I like someone, I want to get to know them better. I feel now, about this former cashier, that I might have actually made a good guess as to the why of all of this.
I want to emphasize this next point, now that we're here. I shouldn't have much of a problem being patient and compassionate towards this young woman. It really shouldn't put me out to display that side of myself to her now. It sure was a strain getting here, but now that I'm here, it's all good, as the kids say. Yeah, I may have reached a real breakthrough when my thinking last night led me to see something that may actually be from her point of view. I'll be nice, I promise. I care for her a great deal.
Now, in my efforts to display more compassion and understanding towards her, I will dance with them that brung me. In other words, I will try to refrain from patronizing a certain diner and a certain coffee shop for a while. I will possibly try to refrain from patronizing these two places for quite some time. How long? I'm shooting for the rest of this month. I don't know if I'll succeed, but I do feel as if my efforts to build a wall between myself and these employees at these businesses may have helped lead me to this insight about this woman I care a great deal for.
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