I plan on ranging this subject over several posts. When I broke through last year at about this time and took down Schmaylor and her confederates, I vowed to not retaliate against her or anyone else I considered complicit in trying to fuck me over. And so, here we are a year later, and I've kept my promise. I consider retaliation to consist of "acting out" behaviors that implicitly or explicitly intend to embarrass, humiliate, harass, intimidate, threaten, or inflict emotional or bodily harm on one's perceived adversaries. I don't believe I've visited those kinds of behaviors on Schmaylor or anyone else I connect to her and hers.
When I speak of Schmaylor explicitly, I don't think posting a song such as "Fuckface on Monday and Fuckface on Friday" on YouTube constitutes retaliation. I do think a work of art has the potential to inflict base harm on a person or group of people, but I think I take enough care in the art I create that my art doesn't do that to anyone. I think songs such as "See What Fuckface Is Up To Today" make fun of me as much, if not more, than they make fun of Schmaylor. I think that kind of song dances around a line, jumps from one side of the line to the other, and at other times walks right on the line that people have about all kinds of issues of acceptability vs. transgression, and that's part of what makes that kind of art good.
So no, in my best ability to assess my behavior towards Schmaylor and others this past year, as well as the many, many years previous that the situation I speak of has been in effect; I don't think I've ever retaliated in an acting out sort of way towards her or anyone else. I'm glad I have not. I still have no desire to retaliate, and I came up with another reason that reinforces my path just the day before yesterday. Here it is. When I look back to the years 1986 and 1987, and all those people who, often with apparent glee and relish, inflicted pain on me, and how I finally retaliated against Wanda; after my retaliatory gesture against Wanda; Wanda and all those other people could just hide behind my act of retaliation, figuratively speaking, and make accusations and condemnations against me, and I seemingly destroyed any real chance I might have had to actually hold Wanda or anyone else accountable for the way they behaved towards me.
To this day, so many people from that era have never had to answer to me or anyone else about what they did. Not on apology from anyone to me. Base retaliation is a relatively "easy" act to commit. It may be a bitch to live down, but the act itself is pretty easy to execute. I think any effort I may make to bring about an actual reckoning to any of these people might be much harder to do than base retaliation. What form would it take? How long should it take? How do I regard friends and possibly family I think may be complicit? I'm just starting to wrestle with these issues.
The best part about my struggle now is that, in forgiving these people and letting go of my pain, I have virtually zero unresolved issues of lingering hurt that need addressing. If I do continue to pursue my efforts to hold these people accountable, I do so without the burden of a boatload of emotional pain to carry around. That is all, for now.
When I speak of Schmaylor explicitly, I don't think posting a song such as "Fuckface on Monday and Fuckface on Friday" on YouTube constitutes retaliation. I do think a work of art has the potential to inflict base harm on a person or group of people, but I think I take enough care in the art I create that my art doesn't do that to anyone. I think songs such as "See What Fuckface Is Up To Today" make fun of me as much, if not more, than they make fun of Schmaylor. I think that kind of song dances around a line, jumps from one side of the line to the other, and at other times walks right on the line that people have about all kinds of issues of acceptability vs. transgression, and that's part of what makes that kind of art good.
So no, in my best ability to assess my behavior towards Schmaylor and others this past year, as well as the many, many years previous that the situation I speak of has been in effect; I don't think I've ever retaliated in an acting out sort of way towards her or anyone else. I'm glad I have not. I still have no desire to retaliate, and I came up with another reason that reinforces my path just the day before yesterday. Here it is. When I look back to the years 1986 and 1987, and all those people who, often with apparent glee and relish, inflicted pain on me, and how I finally retaliated against Wanda; after my retaliatory gesture against Wanda; Wanda and all those other people could just hide behind my act of retaliation, figuratively speaking, and make accusations and condemnations against me, and I seemingly destroyed any real chance I might have had to actually hold Wanda or anyone else accountable for the way they behaved towards me.
To this day, so many people from that era have never had to answer to me or anyone else about what they did. Not on apology from anyone to me. Base retaliation is a relatively "easy" act to commit. It may be a bitch to live down, but the act itself is pretty easy to execute. I think any effort I may make to bring about an actual reckoning to any of these people might be much harder to do than base retaliation. What form would it take? How long should it take? How do I regard friends and possibly family I think may be complicit? I'm just starting to wrestle with these issues.
The best part about my struggle now is that, in forgiving these people and letting go of my pain, I have virtually zero unresolved issues of lingering hurt that need addressing. If I do continue to pursue my efforts to hold these people accountable, I do so without the burden of a boatload of emotional pain to carry around. That is all, for now.
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