As much as part of me wants the positive aspects that I fantasize about in this famous woman to come true, I still find myself left to my own devices when it comes to figuring out the actual reality of the situation. A prevailing characteristic of these deals I get into involves how unsolvable they can seem to me at the time. Here's the thing though; a particularly unsolvable feature from an unavailable girl situation I dealt with at the age of fifteen would not come up later at the age of twenty-one or twenty-four.
For example, I remember the prevailing characteristic of my unsolvable fixation on the girl at fifteen had to do with the difference in how we felt about each other. I remember going into a tailspin just KNOWING that there was NO WAY the girl felt the same utter intensity of feeling for me that I felt for her. That was all it took to introduce an almost total paralysis in how I could possibly solve that dilemma. But later on, in college, I just made myself approach such a person, usually a classmate, if I so desired. I wouldn't get the girl, but I would at least solve that aspect of my problem.
But again, here's the thing. The older I got, the more experience I acquired, the more complex the problems seemed to me in trying to work this stuff out with whatever woman I fixated on. The unavailability of the women in question morphed into other forms the older I got. At twenty-one, I couldn't figure out that Veronica Ortega just wanted boatloads of attention from a less experienced classmate (me) following a painful breakup with her live-in boyfriend, and so that vexed me to no end. My inability to figure out her point of view, due to my relative lack of experience in dating, made the dilemma she presented to me seem as utterly unsolvable to me at twenty-one as the dilemma I faced at fifteen.
And so it went. In later years I could figure out the "free" attention angle a lot of unavailable women wanted to play with me, so that no longer presented problems. But oh, here comes my psychosis, and hallucination narratives about "Monica" and Robin and "Sonia Cumbia," and lo, we have a whole new class of unavailable women. The nearest I figure, those dilemmas, which featured women not actually present in any way in my real life, became solvable with just a little validation that I could attract women in the "real world." I remember forgetting all about Monica and Robin around 1999, when I worked a dishwashing job that featured a lot of female employees that liked me socially.
One thing that really solved a LOT of these unavailable women dilemmas involved reviving the "turn my back on love" experiment in 2012. If nothing else, I learned to exert a LOT of patience and self-control over ANY situation I found myself in that involved ANY unavailable woman under ANY circumstance.
A prime example of that practice in action featured the former cashier at that grocery store I patronize. She started in on me in February of 2019, and I didn't approach her for social reasons until October of 2021. In between those two times I threw everything I knew at that dilemma. I let go of her so-o-o many times...oh my goodness, did I just try to let her go. But in the long run, I solved the dilemmas she presented to me, which included a massive age difference (35 years!), the fact that I only knew her from the grocery store I patronized (the only place I could approach her for social reasons, Not easy!), the way she always seemed to have a boyfriend (hey, I'm just inviting her to my comic book sale. It's not a DATE or anything!), and lastly, the fact that she totally seemed to have it in for me. Namely, that she was on some crusade seeking justice for women everywhere by taking me down. I no longer consider her much of a factor in my day to day decision making. The only decisions I have to make about her involve my reluctance to patronize that business where I thought I encountered a girl that could be her sister, from what I could tell. I just try to refrain from patronizing that particular business these days.
Now, I have this "A" list celebrity I'm currently fixated on. She's unapproachable in any context I know about. What the hell am I supposed to do about that? I tried writing her a postcard, nothing. I sent her a DM on a social media account of hers, nothing. I figure she'll just run out the clock. For the longest time, I could tell myself that she was too busy with current projects to attend to me for real. As of last month, that excuse can't cut it. She still has several more weeks of, I guess, free time. If she doesn't show up sometime during this window of opportunity, then she's run out the clock on our deal, and that's just one possibility that will end it. Bear in mind, people, that I did nothing myself to sabotage this situation. If she doesn't show in the next month or so, she doesn't show, and that just might end this fixation I have on her.
And furthermore, this fixation I have on her might represent some kind of nadir, some lowest point, of my tendency to fixate on unavailable women. That would imply, that after this one, I might not find any more "unsolvable" dilemmas that involve unavailable women tying me up in knots. I mean, where could my brain take me to from here to find another unsolvable dilemma? Might I wind up fixating on deceased movie stars from Hollywood's golden era? I mean, there's no possible way I could bring Marilyn Monroe or Audrey Hepburn back from the dead. Would that sufficiently tie me up in knots? I don't think fixating on deceased movie stars is really a possibility for me to get hung up again. I think I may have finally graduated from "Unavailable Woman U!" That would be grand!
For example, I remember the prevailing characteristic of my unsolvable fixation on the girl at fifteen had to do with the difference in how we felt about each other. I remember going into a tailspin just KNOWING that there was NO WAY the girl felt the same utter intensity of feeling for me that I felt for her. That was all it took to introduce an almost total paralysis in how I could possibly solve that dilemma. But later on, in college, I just made myself approach such a person, usually a classmate, if I so desired. I wouldn't get the girl, but I would at least solve that aspect of my problem.
But again, here's the thing. The older I got, the more experience I acquired, the more complex the problems seemed to me in trying to work this stuff out with whatever woman I fixated on. The unavailability of the women in question morphed into other forms the older I got. At twenty-one, I couldn't figure out that Veronica Ortega just wanted boatloads of attention from a less experienced classmate (me) following a painful breakup with her live-in boyfriend, and so that vexed me to no end. My inability to figure out her point of view, due to my relative lack of experience in dating, made the dilemma she presented to me seem as utterly unsolvable to me at twenty-one as the dilemma I faced at fifteen.
And so it went. In later years I could figure out the "free" attention angle a lot of unavailable women wanted to play with me, so that no longer presented problems. But oh, here comes my psychosis, and hallucination narratives about "Monica" and Robin and "Sonia Cumbia," and lo, we have a whole new class of unavailable women. The nearest I figure, those dilemmas, which featured women not actually present in any way in my real life, became solvable with just a little validation that I could attract women in the "real world." I remember forgetting all about Monica and Robin around 1999, when I worked a dishwashing job that featured a lot of female employees that liked me socially.
One thing that really solved a LOT of these unavailable women dilemmas involved reviving the "turn my back on love" experiment in 2012. If nothing else, I learned to exert a LOT of patience and self-control over ANY situation I found myself in that involved ANY unavailable woman under ANY circumstance.
A prime example of that practice in action featured the former cashier at that grocery store I patronize. She started in on me in February of 2019, and I didn't approach her for social reasons until October of 2021. In between those two times I threw everything I knew at that dilemma. I let go of her so-o-o many times...oh my goodness, did I just try to let her go. But in the long run, I solved the dilemmas she presented to me, which included a massive age difference (35 years!), the fact that I only knew her from the grocery store I patronized (the only place I could approach her for social reasons, Not easy!), the way she always seemed to have a boyfriend (hey, I'm just inviting her to my comic book sale. It's not a DATE or anything!), and lastly, the fact that she totally seemed to have it in for me. Namely, that she was on some crusade seeking justice for women everywhere by taking me down. I no longer consider her much of a factor in my day to day decision making. The only decisions I have to make about her involve my reluctance to patronize that business where I thought I encountered a girl that could be her sister, from what I could tell. I just try to refrain from patronizing that particular business these days.
Now, I have this "A" list celebrity I'm currently fixated on. She's unapproachable in any context I know about. What the hell am I supposed to do about that? I tried writing her a postcard, nothing. I sent her a DM on a social media account of hers, nothing. I figure she'll just run out the clock. For the longest time, I could tell myself that she was too busy with current projects to attend to me for real. As of last month, that excuse can't cut it. She still has several more weeks of, I guess, free time. If she doesn't show up sometime during this window of opportunity, then she's run out the clock on our deal, and that's just one possibility that will end it. Bear in mind, people, that I did nothing myself to sabotage this situation. If she doesn't show in the next month or so, she doesn't show, and that just might end this fixation I have on her.
And furthermore, this fixation I have on her might represent some kind of nadir, some lowest point, of my tendency to fixate on unavailable women. That would imply, that after this one, I might not find any more "unsolvable" dilemmas that involve unavailable women tying me up in knots. I mean, where could my brain take me to from here to find another unsolvable dilemma? Might I wind up fixating on deceased movie stars from Hollywood's golden era? I mean, there's no possible way I could bring Marilyn Monroe or Audrey Hepburn back from the dead. Would that sufficiently tie me up in knots? I don't think fixating on deceased movie stars is really a possibility for me to get hung up again. I think I may have finally graduated from "Unavailable Woman U!" That would be grand!
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