Three weeks ago I posted about my guesses at the motivations for that former cashier's alleged controlling behavior towards me. I speculated that she successfully influenced various female employees at that coffee shop and that diner to try to bring home some impression to me that I should make it all about her. I guessed that these women attempted to impress upon me this notion about the former cashier by, in turns, acting rude and standoffish to me for no discernible reason, or perhaps trying to "talk about" the situation in their incidental interactions with me. Like saying,"It's all yours," when they handed me my beverage. Pretty damning evidence I'm coming up with, I just wrote sarcastically, but there you have it. My case. The thing of it is, I can run these kinds of thoughts up the flagpole to see how they play. No crime in that.
I'm essentially saying that this former cashier at that grocery store duped these female employees into doing her dirty work for her. I labeled this as controlling behavior on the former cashier's part, which these women went along with because they thought they were doing me a big favor with this shit. Nope, just mean, controlling behavior. The thing of it is, I probably know what women such as this former cashier are like more than these waitresses and baristas do, and so I pretty much busted this former cashier at her game. I figure she's got some boyfriend squirreled away somewhere in her world. Did I mention that one of the essential components of this former cashier's game resided in the fact that she was not present in my world during all of this? I just did.
I guessed that the motivation for this former cashier's controlling behavior towards me came from a place of fear. Namely, fear that I would reject her. Here's the tricky part. I don't think this former cashier actually has a romantic interest in me. I don't think she finds me all that attractive. I think the fear of rejection stems from the need to maintain an image of herself as a badass, femme fatale, man-killer who can wrap a guy like me around her little finger at will. Posts such as these and previous ones of these past months were supposed to be filled with stuff about how much I love her and how I think she loves me and all of that. She got quite a different response from me, this time.
In some of my last posts I talked about some of my old, obsessive behaviors towards women in my increasingly distant past whom she reminds me of so much. I talked aoout the frequent phone calls, almost daily, sometimes more than one in a day, that I would impose on women such as "Katy," or Veronica, or "Wanda." I talked about how I never really knew such women because I would blind myself to the reality of them through my obsessive pursuit.
Here's a guessed at reality about this former cashier. She may very well engage in obsessive behaviors towards her real boyfriends that very much resemble my obsessive hehaviors towards someone such as her. In June of 2020, at the height of Covid, I saw her repeatedly, unsuccessfully dialing up someone on her phone as I went about my business in that grocery store. It could very well be the case that such behaviors towards at least some of her boyfriends drive them away from her in the same way I felt that such behaviors toward Veronica, et al, that I engaged in drove them away from me.
I said in that post of three weeks ago that when I like someone, I want to get to know them better. Women such as Veronica and that former cashier never, ever allowed me much access to them. These days, though, I respond to this lack of access to that former cashier in radically different ways than the near-constant phone calls to Veronica and her ilk. I go some other way than repeatedly pestering women in my world who I think may know this former cashier about this former cashier. I write blog posts, for example. Blog posts on MY website. It's anyone's choice whether to read them or not.
I also just try to draw intelligent conclusions on what experiences I do have of that former cashier, and make intelligent decisions based on my observations and evaluations of those experiences. For example, I said in that post from three weeks ago that this former cashier never showed an interest or attraction towards me in a way I could understand or accept. I don't think she's really attracted to me. I think her ability to exert such controlling behavior towards me largely depends on a lack of genuine attraction towards me. She likes the attention when I talk about how much I love her and all of that, but the fearful basis of her behavior stems from the notion, perhaps, that if I wind up rejecting her like so many of her boyfriends may have rejected her, what does that say about her and her image of herself?
I promised kindness towards her three weeks ago. I really, really know what it feels like on the short end of a too-one-sided romantic love deal, so there's your kindness. If the previous paragraphs seem steeped in bitterness and malice and ugliness towards her, I don't mean to come off that way. Over the years, when I wrote about her, I wrote many, many times that God seemed to be giving me plenty of chances to get women such as her right, because they seem to just continually line up outside my metaphorical door with pretty much identical agendas. The previous paragraphs only attempt to articulate my observations about her and the women from my very chaotic, painful past she reminds me so much of, that is all.
I'm essentially saying that this former cashier at that grocery store duped these female employees into doing her dirty work for her. I labeled this as controlling behavior on the former cashier's part, which these women went along with because they thought they were doing me a big favor with this shit. Nope, just mean, controlling behavior. The thing of it is, I probably know what women such as this former cashier are like more than these waitresses and baristas do, and so I pretty much busted this former cashier at her game. I figure she's got some boyfriend squirreled away somewhere in her world. Did I mention that one of the essential components of this former cashier's game resided in the fact that she was not present in my world during all of this? I just did.
I guessed that the motivation for this former cashier's controlling behavior towards me came from a place of fear. Namely, fear that I would reject her. Here's the tricky part. I don't think this former cashier actually has a romantic interest in me. I don't think she finds me all that attractive. I think the fear of rejection stems from the need to maintain an image of herself as a badass, femme fatale, man-killer who can wrap a guy like me around her little finger at will. Posts such as these and previous ones of these past months were supposed to be filled with stuff about how much I love her and how I think she loves me and all of that. She got quite a different response from me, this time.
In some of my last posts I talked about some of my old, obsessive behaviors towards women in my increasingly distant past whom she reminds me of so much. I talked aoout the frequent phone calls, almost daily, sometimes more than one in a day, that I would impose on women such as "Katy," or Veronica, or "Wanda." I talked about how I never really knew such women because I would blind myself to the reality of them through my obsessive pursuit.
Here's a guessed at reality about this former cashier. She may very well engage in obsessive behaviors towards her real boyfriends that very much resemble my obsessive hehaviors towards someone such as her. In June of 2020, at the height of Covid, I saw her repeatedly, unsuccessfully dialing up someone on her phone as I went about my business in that grocery store. It could very well be the case that such behaviors towards at least some of her boyfriends drive them away from her in the same way I felt that such behaviors toward Veronica, et al, that I engaged in drove them away from me.
I said in that post of three weeks ago that when I like someone, I want to get to know them better. Women such as Veronica and that former cashier never, ever allowed me much access to them. These days, though, I respond to this lack of access to that former cashier in radically different ways than the near-constant phone calls to Veronica and her ilk. I go some other way than repeatedly pestering women in my world who I think may know this former cashier about this former cashier. I write blog posts, for example. Blog posts on MY website. It's anyone's choice whether to read them or not.
I also just try to draw intelligent conclusions on what experiences I do have of that former cashier, and make intelligent decisions based on my observations and evaluations of those experiences. For example, I said in that post from three weeks ago that this former cashier never showed an interest or attraction towards me in a way I could understand or accept. I don't think she's really attracted to me. I think her ability to exert such controlling behavior towards me largely depends on a lack of genuine attraction towards me. She likes the attention when I talk about how much I love her and all of that, but the fearful basis of her behavior stems from the notion, perhaps, that if I wind up rejecting her like so many of her boyfriends may have rejected her, what does that say about her and her image of herself?
I promised kindness towards her three weeks ago. I really, really know what it feels like on the short end of a too-one-sided romantic love deal, so there's your kindness. If the previous paragraphs seem steeped in bitterness and malice and ugliness towards her, I don't mean to come off that way. Over the years, when I wrote about her, I wrote many, many times that God seemed to be giving me plenty of chances to get women such as her right, because they seem to just continually line up outside my metaphorical door with pretty much identical agendas. The previous paragraphs only attempt to articulate my observations about her and the women from my very chaotic, painful past she reminds me so much of, that is all.
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