When I came up in my teens and twenties, a problem I had with girls and women right out of the gate had to do with the fact that so many of them who appeared to display an interest in me socially and romantically actually represented themselves as interested under false pretenses. This went all the way back to high school. There were two girls back then who represented themselves as available and interested in me when, in fact, they both had boyfriends and therefore had other agendas with me that had nothing to do with wanting to be my girlfriend. One wanted the acceptance and approval of our mutual male friend who told her I was "cool." The other had this boyfriend who, I found out years later, would talk to other guys about how he wanted to "get rid of her." She acted interested in me because, I suppose, she wasn't getting the attention she wanted from this boyfriend.
At the onset of my major mental illness in the fall and winter of 1984, this problem of women representing themselves as available and interested in me only got much, much worse. In the following years, all sorts of factors contributed to the extreme worsening of this particular problem. These problems involved coming off as a naive virgin to someone such as "Katie" in 1984/1985, coming across as a weirdo to women in classes at UT, coming across as a dangerous, obsessive stalker type to friends such as "Suckmeat" and his righteous girlfriend "Fuckfacia." The episode that really sent things over the top was, of course, my crude sexual proposition to "Wanda" in her car during a heavy make out session in February of 1987. That got me branded as a real bad guy type.
So when Sara started in on me during the spring semester of 1988, the problem of women representing themselves as something they were not to me had reached an all-time low. That was when I took the "what if I turned my back on love" path that allowed me to finally shake a lot of that albatross around my neck off starting in November of 2023. The turn my back on love path I took involved proactively spotting a problematic situation in the making with Sara in 1988 and making the intelligent decision to cut her loose in August of that year. I didn't even know her name at the time, and so it goes that I never went out on one date with her, nor did I even try to approach her for social reasons, really.
That former cashier from that grocery store I still patronize seems intent, by my reckoning, on continuing to try to torment me from a distance. Mind you, the reason I think she's continuing on this course of action has to do with how I cut her loose in January of 2022. She's still not over that, to my way of seeing things. I don't know that she ever really wanted me or cared for me, but something about how I just up and bailed from the situation I found myself in with her seems to bother her to this day. I don't really know whether or not what I'm about to write is actually true, but it seems to me as if she is able to get women in my world to represent themselves as available and interested in me under false pretenses. To my way of seeing things, this has happened with two different women in the past several months.
What the hell? Does this former cashier from that grocery store not have any ability to sympathize with my chosen course of action in the decisions I made to cut her loose? Why, it's almost as if she's never embarked on such a course of action herself with someone in her own life. Whoa, okay, that might be it! She's never had the personal experience of proactively cutting someone loose due to her extremely mixed feelings about that person and her extremely mixed feelings about the situation she found herself in with that person. Has she allowed, like, every situation and relationship with such a person to blossom into some total shit show that she couldn't let go of until the decision to let go of that person was made for her?
I mean, if she'd ever taught herself to be proactive about such people in her life, one would think she would at least recognize a kindred spirit in me and feel a great deal of sympathy for the decisions I made over the years to let go of her. She might not think I did the right thing in letting her go, but she could at least have enough respect for me and my own personal sovereignty in such matters to just let it go and move on. In continuing to try to just torment me with these dilemmas she tries to throw my way, she doesn't seem willing or able to just let something like this go. She's got to be around twenty-six or twenty-seven now. I put myself on a more proactive path with regard to problematic women at the age of twenty-three. The problem was so acute me for me by that time. Maybe that puts me one up on her in an aspect of one's personal skill set in the over all scheme of things.
I find these young women so attractive, too. My psychiatrist seems intent on driving the point home to me that there is NO WAY these young women I've talked about with her could EVER, EVER have any kind of interest in getting to know me better. That may very well be true. If that is the case, then maybe it's just as well, because, for me personally, learning how to spot problematic situations that involve women I have a strong attraction to, and subsequently making intelligent, proactive decisions to cut such women loose before any real trouble has a chance to start, is as important a skill in life as learning how to operate and maintain a car, or learning how to plan, shop for, and cook one's own food, or learning how to keep a clean living space, or learning how to get a job, hold down a job, and leave a job on good terms with the employer. I mean, shit man, I don't think I want to get involved with a woman who, no matter how attractive she is, does not yet have the skill set to let go of a problematic romantic love situation before things get really intense and dark. For me, that one goes up there with well-groomed, and tries good enough to look her best, doesn't smoke crack, or meth, or do heroin, and stuff like that.
And that's it, man. I doubt any twenty-one year old girl that I find really attractive has the experience of being proactive in the manner I've outlined in the above paragraphs. And if, in spite of what my psychiatrist tries to drill into my head these days, a woman that young does want to get to know me better, that question about their experience, or lack of experience, in doing things like that would be one of the first things I'd want to know about them. I could see myself totally leveling with such a young woman and emphasizing how important this particular skill set is for anyone I'd want to date, casually or seriously. Seriously, I don't want some hypothetical young woman I might date these days to wind up, like, thirty years from now on some therapist's couch trying to sift through the wreckage that my cutting her loose after dating her for, say, six months visited on her life from there on out.
And here's the reason why that kind of thing might happen if I date some twenty, twenty-one, or twenty-two year old. If this hypothetical attractive young woman were to date some guy close to her age, and they broke up, and she concluded that he treated her shabbily in the over all scheme of things, she could at least truthfully say to herself, "He's just a kid like me, he doesn't know anything." BUT, if I dated said hypothetical young woman and things ended in a less than amicable way, my age and experience in life might falsely signal to her that any bad treatment of her by me had some air of legitimacy that a young guy's bad treatment of her didn't have, and then that kind of thing could send her to the therapist's couch for the next thirty or forty years. Fuck that!
At the onset of my major mental illness in the fall and winter of 1984, this problem of women representing themselves as available and interested in me only got much, much worse. In the following years, all sorts of factors contributed to the extreme worsening of this particular problem. These problems involved coming off as a naive virgin to someone such as "Katie" in 1984/1985, coming across as a weirdo to women in classes at UT, coming across as a dangerous, obsessive stalker type to friends such as "Suckmeat" and his righteous girlfriend "Fuckfacia." The episode that really sent things over the top was, of course, my crude sexual proposition to "Wanda" in her car during a heavy make out session in February of 1987. That got me branded as a real bad guy type.
So when Sara started in on me during the spring semester of 1988, the problem of women representing themselves as something they were not to me had reached an all-time low. That was when I took the "what if I turned my back on love" path that allowed me to finally shake a lot of that albatross around my neck off starting in November of 2023. The turn my back on love path I took involved proactively spotting a problematic situation in the making with Sara in 1988 and making the intelligent decision to cut her loose in August of that year. I didn't even know her name at the time, and so it goes that I never went out on one date with her, nor did I even try to approach her for social reasons, really.
That former cashier from that grocery store I still patronize seems intent, by my reckoning, on continuing to try to torment me from a distance. Mind you, the reason I think she's continuing on this course of action has to do with how I cut her loose in January of 2022. She's still not over that, to my way of seeing things. I don't know that she ever really wanted me or cared for me, but something about how I just up and bailed from the situation I found myself in with her seems to bother her to this day. I don't really know whether or not what I'm about to write is actually true, but it seems to me as if she is able to get women in my world to represent themselves as available and interested in me under false pretenses. To my way of seeing things, this has happened with two different women in the past several months.
What the hell? Does this former cashier from that grocery store not have any ability to sympathize with my chosen course of action in the decisions I made to cut her loose? Why, it's almost as if she's never embarked on such a course of action herself with someone in her own life. Whoa, okay, that might be it! She's never had the personal experience of proactively cutting someone loose due to her extremely mixed feelings about that person and her extremely mixed feelings about the situation she found herself in with that person. Has she allowed, like, every situation and relationship with such a person to blossom into some total shit show that she couldn't let go of until the decision to let go of that person was made for her?
I mean, if she'd ever taught herself to be proactive about such people in her life, one would think she would at least recognize a kindred spirit in me and feel a great deal of sympathy for the decisions I made over the years to let go of her. She might not think I did the right thing in letting her go, but she could at least have enough respect for me and my own personal sovereignty in such matters to just let it go and move on. In continuing to try to just torment me with these dilemmas she tries to throw my way, she doesn't seem willing or able to just let something like this go. She's got to be around twenty-six or twenty-seven now. I put myself on a more proactive path with regard to problematic women at the age of twenty-three. The problem was so acute me for me by that time. Maybe that puts me one up on her in an aspect of one's personal skill set in the over all scheme of things.
I find these young women so attractive, too. My psychiatrist seems intent on driving the point home to me that there is NO WAY these young women I've talked about with her could EVER, EVER have any kind of interest in getting to know me better. That may very well be true. If that is the case, then maybe it's just as well, because, for me personally, learning how to spot problematic situations that involve women I have a strong attraction to, and subsequently making intelligent, proactive decisions to cut such women loose before any real trouble has a chance to start, is as important a skill in life as learning how to operate and maintain a car, or learning how to plan, shop for, and cook one's own food, or learning how to keep a clean living space, or learning how to get a job, hold down a job, and leave a job on good terms with the employer. I mean, shit man, I don't think I want to get involved with a woman who, no matter how attractive she is, does not yet have the skill set to let go of a problematic romantic love situation before things get really intense and dark. For me, that one goes up there with well-groomed, and tries good enough to look her best, doesn't smoke crack, or meth, or do heroin, and stuff like that.
And that's it, man. I doubt any twenty-one year old girl that I find really attractive has the experience of being proactive in the manner I've outlined in the above paragraphs. And if, in spite of what my psychiatrist tries to drill into my head these days, a woman that young does want to get to know me better, that question about their experience, or lack of experience, in doing things like that would be one of the first things I'd want to know about them. I could see myself totally leveling with such a young woman and emphasizing how important this particular skill set is for anyone I'd want to date, casually or seriously. Seriously, I don't want some hypothetical young woman I might date these days to wind up, like, thirty years from now on some therapist's couch trying to sift through the wreckage that my cutting her loose after dating her for, say, six months visited on her life from there on out.
And here's the reason why that kind of thing might happen if I date some twenty, twenty-one, or twenty-two year old. If this hypothetical attractive young woman were to date some guy close to her age, and they broke up, and she concluded that he treated her shabbily in the over all scheme of things, she could at least truthfully say to herself, "He's just a kid like me, he doesn't know anything." BUT, if I dated said hypothetical young woman and things ended in a less than amicable way, my age and experience in life might falsely signal to her that any bad treatment of her by me had some air of legitimacy that a young guy's bad treatment of her didn't have, and then that kind of thing could send her to the therapist's couch for the next thirty or forty years. Fuck that!
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