In October of 2001 I had an epiphany about my substance abuse issues. I theorized that I smoked, drank, and used drugs in order to cope with loneliness. This insight gave me the wherewithal to quit smoking and make an unprecedented effort to deal with my other substance abuse issues.
I wound up having one hundred percent success with quitting smoking (so far, so good), but my attempts at moderation with drugs and alcohol fell short. In late-December, 2008, I had another epiphany about my substance abuse. This involved an insight about a friend of mine. My friend could drink and use all the drugs and alcohol he could handle, and still have "success" with women. Me, not so much. I put success in quotation marks, because, yeah, he got laid a lot, and always seemed to have girlfriends, but he was an angry, controlling, abusive drunk as well, and, of course, his girlfriends saw this side of him, along with everyone else. Me, at least I had nothing to lose in my relationship with women if I committed to abstinence from drugs and alcohol, and so began a newly found desire on my part to do just that. Success (again, so far, so good) as a result of THAT epiphany.
With abstinence from drugs and alcohol came realizations about the extent of my love addiction, so that set up my campaign to come to terms with that. I got to work on that in earnest with my newfound sobriety from cigarettes, drugs and alcohol. I feel like I really hit upon something with the revival of my, "What if I turn my back on love?," experiment which I first conducted with Sara in the spring of 1988. I began following that buddha again in September of 2012.
In August of 2021 (I think it was August of that year) I had another epiphany. I theorized that my obsessive thoughts and pursuit of certain women stemmed from my upbringing. Years earlier, I read in one of Dr. David Burn's books that studies had shown that shy people were otten very critical and judgmental of those around them. Shy people aren't just the benign, harmless people they are often made out to be. I came from a family where all of us could be pretty shy. One summer day in 2021, I thought about this side of my family thusly, "I don't think my family members were really critical of me, were they?" Then, the next INSTANT, "Oh, hell yeah!" I grew up in a family where my dad didn't really want to be married to my mom. This was the dynamic in play before I, the youngest of five siblings, was even born.
My dad could just sit one of the kids down and PICK THEM APART. I mean, really dress them down. The kids were always putting each other down and often jumping on things about each other in very critical, judgmental ways. I took part in this too, This was just normal family life for me. The putdowns, the ugly things we'd say to each other, coupled with the near TOTAL absence of things such as hugs, or "I love you," or any other displays of affection towards one another.
Now, if one buys into the concept that one's upbringing can "bewitch," to put it one way, an individual, how would such an upbringing affect someone like me? Now, let's see, what kind of woman would I choose to make it all about who could potentially be the most critical, judgmental, unforgiving-of-my-shortcomings type of woman I could find, over, and over, and over again, throughout my adult life? That would be a twenty-two year old hottie, by my understanding of this revelation. And, not just ANY twenty-two year old hottie, but one who is, in some way, logistically, emotionally, both, all of the above; someone who is somehow, in some way, unavailable. That's what nine years of following my "what if I turned my back on love?" buddha revealed to me, FINALLY!
Like I said, knowledge is power. That's probably why, when I finally did approach that former cashier at that grocery store for social reasons in October of 2021, I came off as well as I did. I came off VERY well. In that instance, at least, "What if I turned my back on love?," became a way of turning off the clock, not caring about being johnny-on-the-spot, and just BRINGING IT when I was damn good and ready to bring it. And, that epiphany about how I relate to women in my world DEFINITELY gave me the wherewithal to turn away from that whole situation when things didn't go my way and I then joined a support group for love addiction.
Would I like to date some really hot woman these days? Of course I would! I've decided, though, that I would want such an outcome to come about, in some way or other, in the course of following my "turn my back on love" buddha. "What if I turned my back on love?" "What if I just let this supposed opportunity to get with this woman slip through my fingers?" "What if I refrained from trying to get from point 'A' to point 'B' in regard to this or that woman?" "What if I cooled myself out of the picture?" All of these paths I go down are really the SAME PATH..
I don't think that waitress in that diner, or that barista from last year, or those hot coworkers I like would really want to know about how much my sense of self worth can get tied up in trying to get with someone such as them. I really don't think any of them would like that very much. I'm glad of how I relate to women in these two important ways: 1) I stand ready to follow the "turn my back on love" buddha at any time with women in my world, and 2) I'm willing to give some women who aren't necessarily supermodels the time of day. Yep, "A variety of dating experiences with a variety of women." That's something I've been vying for since 2002. "Available, interested, acts like she gives a shit about taking care of herself," is the whole of my standards as to who can get at least one date with me. That standard has been in play for quite a number of years now. Yep!
I wound up having one hundred percent success with quitting smoking (so far, so good), but my attempts at moderation with drugs and alcohol fell short. In late-December, 2008, I had another epiphany about my substance abuse. This involved an insight about a friend of mine. My friend could drink and use all the drugs and alcohol he could handle, and still have "success" with women. Me, not so much. I put success in quotation marks, because, yeah, he got laid a lot, and always seemed to have girlfriends, but he was an angry, controlling, abusive drunk as well, and, of course, his girlfriends saw this side of him, along with everyone else. Me, at least I had nothing to lose in my relationship with women if I committed to abstinence from drugs and alcohol, and so began a newly found desire on my part to do just that. Success (again, so far, so good) as a result of THAT epiphany.
With abstinence from drugs and alcohol came realizations about the extent of my love addiction, so that set up my campaign to come to terms with that. I got to work on that in earnest with my newfound sobriety from cigarettes, drugs and alcohol. I feel like I really hit upon something with the revival of my, "What if I turn my back on love?," experiment which I first conducted with Sara in the spring of 1988. I began following that buddha again in September of 2012.
In August of 2021 (I think it was August of that year) I had another epiphany. I theorized that my obsessive thoughts and pursuit of certain women stemmed from my upbringing. Years earlier, I read in one of Dr. David Burn's books that studies had shown that shy people were otten very critical and judgmental of those around them. Shy people aren't just the benign, harmless people they are often made out to be. I came from a family where all of us could be pretty shy. One summer day in 2021, I thought about this side of my family thusly, "I don't think my family members were really critical of me, were they?" Then, the next INSTANT, "Oh, hell yeah!" I grew up in a family where my dad didn't really want to be married to my mom. This was the dynamic in play before I, the youngest of five siblings, was even born.
My dad could just sit one of the kids down and PICK THEM APART. I mean, really dress them down. The kids were always putting each other down and often jumping on things about each other in very critical, judgmental ways. I took part in this too, This was just normal family life for me. The putdowns, the ugly things we'd say to each other, coupled with the near TOTAL absence of things such as hugs, or "I love you," or any other displays of affection towards one another.
Now, if one buys into the concept that one's upbringing can "bewitch," to put it one way, an individual, how would such an upbringing affect someone like me? Now, let's see, what kind of woman would I choose to make it all about who could potentially be the most critical, judgmental, unforgiving-of-my-shortcomings type of woman I could find, over, and over, and over again, throughout my adult life? That would be a twenty-two year old hottie, by my understanding of this revelation. And, not just ANY twenty-two year old hottie, but one who is, in some way, logistically, emotionally, both, all of the above; someone who is somehow, in some way, unavailable. That's what nine years of following my "what if I turned my back on love?" buddha revealed to me, FINALLY!
Like I said, knowledge is power. That's probably why, when I finally did approach that former cashier at that grocery store for social reasons in October of 2021, I came off as well as I did. I came off VERY well. In that instance, at least, "What if I turned my back on love?," became a way of turning off the clock, not caring about being johnny-on-the-spot, and just BRINGING IT when I was damn good and ready to bring it. And, that epiphany about how I relate to women in my world DEFINITELY gave me the wherewithal to turn away from that whole situation when things didn't go my way and I then joined a support group for love addiction.
Would I like to date some really hot woman these days? Of course I would! I've decided, though, that I would want such an outcome to come about, in some way or other, in the course of following my "turn my back on love" buddha. "What if I turned my back on love?" "What if I just let this supposed opportunity to get with this woman slip through my fingers?" "What if I refrained from trying to get from point 'A' to point 'B' in regard to this or that woman?" "What if I cooled myself out of the picture?" All of these paths I go down are really the SAME PATH..
I don't think that waitress in that diner, or that barista from last year, or those hot coworkers I like would really want to know about how much my sense of self worth can get tied up in trying to get with someone such as them. I really don't think any of them would like that very much. I'm glad of how I relate to women in these two important ways: 1) I stand ready to follow the "turn my back on love" buddha at any time with women in my world, and 2) I'm willing to give some women who aren't necessarily supermodels the time of day. Yep, "A variety of dating experiences with a variety of women." That's something I've been vying for since 2002. "Available, interested, acts like she gives a shit about taking care of herself," is the whole of my standards as to who can get at least one date with me. That standard has been in play for quite a number of years now. Yep!
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