Last month, while in San Marcos, I wanted to approach one of my San Marcos crushes for social reasons. She's a waitress (big surprise) and I'd patronized her place of employment only a few times since last summer. I didn't know her at all, to be honest, since I'd only had a few, brief verbal interactions with her in the course of ordering food at her restaurant.
So, why did I want to try to get with her in earnest, one might ask. Well, I went in there on a Monday night, went to the counter to order an entrée, and as I ordered my food from another young woman, my crush had a look on her face. What was the look? She looked out straight ahead-not at me- and her expression seemed to say that she was thinking about something. I connected this somewhat pensive expression that also had a hint of curiosity in it to me.
That's it. Based on A MOMENTARY LOOK ON A VERY ATTRACTIVE WAITRESS' FACE WHILE I STOOD AT HER COUNTER AND LOOKED OVER AT HER, something stirred in me to try and go for it. This little bit of life happened on a Monday night, and the following Wednesday night, while waiting for Songwriters Night to begin, saw me thinking HARD about going in there again and seeing if I could chat her up. So, scenario after scenario rolled around in my head that featured successful attempts by me to chat her up and get something going with her
So, thusly, I ran through some successful-attempts-at-chatting-her-up-tapes in my head, and then.....and then I realized, "I ALWAYS come up with a reason such as that to make it all about this or that twenty-two year old hottie in my world, and it ALWAYS turns out to be a complete bullshit reason to make it all about someone like that. Always, always, always!"
That's absolutely true, too. This desperation-tinged tendency goes all the way back to the days of my youth. Such a tendency could scare the bejeezus out of the girl in question and as well as those around the both of us. A facial expression, a look in her eyes, a minor flirtation, some little thing the girl or someone else said; I mean I would cling for dear life to such things as a sign of THE REAL DEAL going on between me and the girl.
I had several psychotic episodes that blossomed from such a seed I planted in my own brain. These episodes involved a lot of ostracism from whatever group I found myself in, as I could run into some considerable defenses from the girl in question and those around us both. Heartbreaking shit. Absolutely devastating.
In a post from the spring of 2023 titled, "I'm going no contact with that band," I talk about how recovery from love addiction involves stepping back from such situations as the one I outlined in the above paragraphs and looking at the bigger picture. Stepping back, as opposed to trying to gain ground on someone such as that attractive young waitress in San Marcos by attempting to chat her up.
In 2016, I first blogged about how I always used to think I needed a love interest in order to feel as if I played a part in the love, romance, and dating game. That was the step back I executed in 2016. Now, NINE YEARS later, I catch myself with my hand in the proverbial cookie jar and come up with HOW I actually go about SELECTING these love interests. ALWAYS, ALWAYS, some little thing or other that I blow way out of proportion and cling to for dear life like a chunk of driftwood in a storm-tossed ocean.
After songwriters night that Wednesday in San Marcos, I stopped by that restaurant where one of my San Marcos crushes works, or worked, and she wasn't there. I ordered some food and went back to my hotel. I felt good about changing the direction of my thinking earlier in the evening. I plan on taking some time off in San Marcos in the new year, but I can totally see myself just leaving that girl alone should I see her again.
So, why did I want to try to get with her in earnest, one might ask. Well, I went in there on a Monday night, went to the counter to order an entrée, and as I ordered my food from another young woman, my crush had a look on her face. What was the look? She looked out straight ahead-not at me- and her expression seemed to say that she was thinking about something. I connected this somewhat pensive expression that also had a hint of curiosity in it to me.
That's it. Based on A MOMENTARY LOOK ON A VERY ATTRACTIVE WAITRESS' FACE WHILE I STOOD AT HER COUNTER AND LOOKED OVER AT HER, something stirred in me to try and go for it. This little bit of life happened on a Monday night, and the following Wednesday night, while waiting for Songwriters Night to begin, saw me thinking HARD about going in there again and seeing if I could chat her up. So, scenario after scenario rolled around in my head that featured successful attempts by me to chat her up and get something going with her
So, thusly, I ran through some successful-attempts-at-chatting-her-up-tapes in my head, and then.....and then I realized, "I ALWAYS come up with a reason such as that to make it all about this or that twenty-two year old hottie in my world, and it ALWAYS turns out to be a complete bullshit reason to make it all about someone like that. Always, always, always!"
That's absolutely true, too. This desperation-tinged tendency goes all the way back to the days of my youth. Such a tendency could scare the bejeezus out of the girl in question and as well as those around the both of us. A facial expression, a look in her eyes, a minor flirtation, some little thing the girl or someone else said; I mean I would cling for dear life to such things as a sign of THE REAL DEAL going on between me and the girl.
I had several psychotic episodes that blossomed from such a seed I planted in my own brain. These episodes involved a lot of ostracism from whatever group I found myself in, as I could run into some considerable defenses from the girl in question and those around us both. Heartbreaking shit. Absolutely devastating.
In a post from the spring of 2023 titled, "I'm going no contact with that band," I talk about how recovery from love addiction involves stepping back from such situations as the one I outlined in the above paragraphs and looking at the bigger picture. Stepping back, as opposed to trying to gain ground on someone such as that attractive young waitress in San Marcos by attempting to chat her up.
In 2016, I first blogged about how I always used to think I needed a love interest in order to feel as if I played a part in the love, romance, and dating game. That was the step back I executed in 2016. Now, NINE YEARS later, I catch myself with my hand in the proverbial cookie jar and come up with HOW I actually go about SELECTING these love interests. ALWAYS, ALWAYS, some little thing or other that I blow way out of proportion and cling to for dear life like a chunk of driftwood in a storm-tossed ocean.
After songwriters night that Wednesday in San Marcos, I stopped by that restaurant where one of my San Marcos crushes works, or worked, and she wasn't there. I ordered some food and went back to my hotel. I felt good about changing the direction of my thinking earlier in the evening. I plan on taking some time off in San Marcos in the new year, but I can totally see myself just leaving that girl alone should I see her again.
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