For much of my adult life, really beautiful women, if they've been anything to me at all, have often played the role of antagonists. It might have something to do with my mental illness. They see me as a loser and/or dangerous, and they set about proving it to themselves and others by playing vicious, deceitful, hurtful romantic-love-oriented rejection games with me. In several instances I knew for a fact that they did so to elevate some man in their life onto a pedestal by degrading me in such a manner. Sort of a female parallel to the madonna/whore complex that can bedevil a lot of men.
This wouldn't be so much of a problem if I didn't ADORE so many of these beautiful women. One of the first things I taught myself to do in response to this phenomenon, in my twenties, while still undiagnosed with a major mental illness, is how to live without such women as friends or girlfriends in my life. In my twenties, I read in Doctor David Burn's book, "Feeling Good," how he counseled so many patients to learn how to be happy without wayward boyfriends and separated spouses. He emphasized that these women could learn to be happy without unreliable or unavailable partners and learn autonomy and self-sufficiency through these trying experiences.
Oftentimes the patients could turn the tables on their wayward partners through such learned behavior and be the ones deciding whether or not to have anything to do with these men. I haven't typically had that level of success, but it doesn't really matter. What matters is the fact that I learned to live without these women as lovers or friends eager for my company. I simply learned to get along fine without them, because I really didn't have any other viable options. My more trying times back then came from what I now consider relapses to my love-addicted ways. Still, I completed an undergraduate degree, and then a graduate degree, both in studio art, largely through the sometimes reliable emotional and mental stability such cognitive behavior techniques allowed me to have.
I'm now at a point in my life where I can employ many, many tools to bring about this state of happiness. Not only do I know how to provide myself with good company, even when alone, but I have a good antipsychotic medication, access to counseling and support groups, an understanding of my diagnosis, an ability to abstain from cigarettes, alcohol, and drugs, and friends who are better, more supportive friends than many friends in my past. All of these tools together help me to like women in general more and still have such a strong attraction to really beautiful women without feeling particularly threatened or compromised by that attraction alone. If really beautiful women want to play hurtful games with me, still, they won't have an easy time of it.
I can't help but think a lot of these really beautiful women come from a place of unimaginable privilege with these hurtful ways they so often visit upon me. They've simply never had to learn how to be the primary providers of their own happiness the way I had to learn at their age. There's always been some guy ready to step up for them, maybe.
Perhaps, though, at least some of them have really painful and/or frightening experiences from their past that inform such behavior, but I don't see how attempts to punch down on someone such as myself will help them. I can't help but wonder if so many of them come off as hopelessly needy and complex to so many of these righteous boyfriends they try to elevate by tearing someone such as me down. I would advise these really attractive women to find constructive ways of seeking personal happiness and fulfillment that don't involve a boyfriend or husband playing the role of primary provider of that happiness and fulfillment.
This wouldn't be so much of a problem if I didn't ADORE so many of these beautiful women. One of the first things I taught myself to do in response to this phenomenon, in my twenties, while still undiagnosed with a major mental illness, is how to live without such women as friends or girlfriends in my life. In my twenties, I read in Doctor David Burn's book, "Feeling Good," how he counseled so many patients to learn how to be happy without wayward boyfriends and separated spouses. He emphasized that these women could learn to be happy without unreliable or unavailable partners and learn autonomy and self-sufficiency through these trying experiences.
Oftentimes the patients could turn the tables on their wayward partners through such learned behavior and be the ones deciding whether or not to have anything to do with these men. I haven't typically had that level of success, but it doesn't really matter. What matters is the fact that I learned to live without these women as lovers or friends eager for my company. I simply learned to get along fine without them, because I really didn't have any other viable options. My more trying times back then came from what I now consider relapses to my love-addicted ways. Still, I completed an undergraduate degree, and then a graduate degree, both in studio art, largely through the sometimes reliable emotional and mental stability such cognitive behavior techniques allowed me to have.
I'm now at a point in my life where I can employ many, many tools to bring about this state of happiness. Not only do I know how to provide myself with good company, even when alone, but I have a good antipsychotic medication, access to counseling and support groups, an understanding of my diagnosis, an ability to abstain from cigarettes, alcohol, and drugs, and friends who are better, more supportive friends than many friends in my past. All of these tools together help me to like women in general more and still have such a strong attraction to really beautiful women without feeling particularly threatened or compromised by that attraction alone. If really beautiful women want to play hurtful games with me, still, they won't have an easy time of it.
I can't help but think a lot of these really beautiful women come from a place of unimaginable privilege with these hurtful ways they so often visit upon me. They've simply never had to learn how to be the primary providers of their own happiness the way I had to learn at their age. There's always been some guy ready to step up for them, maybe.
Perhaps, though, at least some of them have really painful and/or frightening experiences from their past that inform such behavior, but I don't see how attempts to punch down on someone such as myself will help them. I can't help but wonder if so many of them come off as hopelessly needy and complex to so many of these righteous boyfriends they try to elevate by tearing someone such as me down. I would advise these really attractive women to find constructive ways of seeking personal happiness and fulfillment that don't involve a boyfriend or husband playing the role of primary provider of that happiness and fulfillment.
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