I started to read a William S. Burroughs quote on Facebook that said something about how it is human beings obligation to risk getting hurt really bad in the quest for a romantic love connection, blah, blah, blah...The world's full of people with advice like that. Maybe it's my abnormal psychological profile, but that never really worked for me. I've talked often about my "quest for love" in my pursuit of "Donna" during the summer of 1986. That's the one where I'd hoped I could connect with Donna at a friend's party and wound up having a psychotic episode instead. I had the impression that a lot of the people at the party knew of my fixation on Donna, and that they definitely did not like the idea of me carrying a torch for this person. Donna stood against the wall and scowled as I walked by her, "Wanda" came up and laughed in my face soon afterwards, Michael laughed cruelly at me, as did Allyson as I left.
The next weekend, my male friend I'd had known since two plus years before said, "Sorry to fuck your world, dude," as I ate at Hut's with him, his girlfriend Allyson, and Wanda, and one other person. I saw The Fly with Jeff Goldblum later that night with Allyson and Wanda. I came off as conciliatory, self-deprecating, and nice the whole night with those people, including Wanda. I saw Donna and her boyfriend at a party later that night. I walked up to her, introduced myself, and overall just tried to make peace with the whole situation. I didn't directly refer to the events of the previous weekend or the previous summer. Instead I brought up a friend of mine she knew and acted as if I was worried about a fixation he once had on a girl.
This gesture appeared to open up possibilities for me, but that proved illusory. A lot of what I saw as possibilities just hinged on the high expectations I had of cashing in on the goodwill generated by my gesture towards Donna. I harbored a lot of anger and resentment at the way people treated me up to the point I talked to Donna at that party, and this resentment showed itself in the way I treated Wanda when she appeared to not be all she was cracked up to be.
These past seven months I wrote a lot about a famous woman I've never met. I don't think it's a good idea for me to carry a torch for her (duh!). She had a busy schedule all summer, and so I could sort of justify keeping the fire going with the anticipation that she would have more free time right about now. She chooses to spend that free time in ways that don't involve me, and I decided several weeks ago to bail on this whole deal.
I don't want anything like a repeat of that party in September of 1986 where all of those people were so down on me because of my fixation on Donna. I'm just going to tell myself, "Suppose I don't do THAT this time. How might things shake out if I don't do THAT this time?" Ugh! I'm not doing anything AGAINST this famous woman by bailing on this whole (maybe self-constructed) deal I had going with the torch I carried for her. I don't really anticipate anything like a party where she'll snub me. It's more like, I don't want to come off as unhinged or unstable to those in my world who may or may not read this blog. I don't want to write blog posts telling of my undying devotion to this woman and have to eat those words later. So much for risking it all.
The next weekend, my male friend I'd had known since two plus years before said, "Sorry to fuck your world, dude," as I ate at Hut's with him, his girlfriend Allyson, and Wanda, and one other person. I saw The Fly with Jeff Goldblum later that night with Allyson and Wanda. I came off as conciliatory, self-deprecating, and nice the whole night with those people, including Wanda. I saw Donna and her boyfriend at a party later that night. I walked up to her, introduced myself, and overall just tried to make peace with the whole situation. I didn't directly refer to the events of the previous weekend or the previous summer. Instead I brought up a friend of mine she knew and acted as if I was worried about a fixation he once had on a girl.
This gesture appeared to open up possibilities for me, but that proved illusory. A lot of what I saw as possibilities just hinged on the high expectations I had of cashing in on the goodwill generated by my gesture towards Donna. I harbored a lot of anger and resentment at the way people treated me up to the point I talked to Donna at that party, and this resentment showed itself in the way I treated Wanda when she appeared to not be all she was cracked up to be.
These past seven months I wrote a lot about a famous woman I've never met. I don't think it's a good idea for me to carry a torch for her (duh!). She had a busy schedule all summer, and so I could sort of justify keeping the fire going with the anticipation that she would have more free time right about now. She chooses to spend that free time in ways that don't involve me, and I decided several weeks ago to bail on this whole deal.
I don't want anything like a repeat of that party in September of 1986 where all of those people were so down on me because of my fixation on Donna. I'm just going to tell myself, "Suppose I don't do THAT this time. How might things shake out if I don't do THAT this time?" Ugh! I'm not doing anything AGAINST this famous woman by bailing on this whole (maybe self-constructed) deal I had going with the torch I carried for her. I don't really anticipate anything like a party where she'll snub me. It's more like, I don't want to come off as unhinged or unstable to those in my world who may or may not read this blog. I don't want to write blog posts telling of my undying devotion to this woman and have to eat those words later. So much for risking it all.
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