Here's a rendering of people being mean to me at a party in September of 1986.

If I see that former cashier in my world in the coming days, weeks, or months, I intend to let her go, blow her off, call it what you will.  I wrote a post recently where I entertained the idea that she loved me but thought me unworthy of her.  I wrote about how this might have created an inner conflict in her where, on the one hand, she desired me, but on the other hand, she didn't want to show it.  I talked about how this was a very problematic way for me to think.  I talk about how thinking along these lines, and then acting on such thoughts, can lead to a lot of unwanted pursuit and unwanted attention from me towards someone such as her.  I don't want to do that.

Every woman from my past that I used to think had that kind of thing going on inside of them turned out to not love me after all.  It figuratively makes my head hurt thinking about women such as Jenna and Wanda and Julie Drake and trying to fit them into some category of women who cared for me but were too proud to show it.  I don't want to put myself through that again, first off, and I don't want to put her through it, either. 

From February 24th, 2020: "​So, does this or that person really like me or not?  You know, that kind of a question is grounds for people getting divorced after ten, twenty, even thirty years of marriage.  One spouse just asks themselves of the other, "Does this person even like me?"  Imagine how I feel. "

If I wrote any thing in my last post that the former cashier found hurtful, I'm truly sorry.  From where I've sat these past many years in which she's been a big deal to me, I've seen not an inch of improvement for so long.  That last post reflected that frustration, and if she found it hurtful, I'm sorry.

I'll just come out and say it.  The former cashier thought, for the longest time, that I was unworthy of her.  This made whatever attraction she had towards me a problem for her.  She may still think I'm unworthy of her, and that would mean that she still has unresolved feelings for me.  In my last post I talked about my predicament.  This may be a huge component of my predicament.  This may be what exactly I have to forgive how she's been towards me for all these years.

Of course, for me to think this way about how this former cashier feels about me presents huge problems in their own right.  This line of thinking, that the woman has feelings for the man she can't or won't admit to, has fueled and still fuels a lot of unwanted attention and pursuit of women by obsessive men for a very long time the wide world over.  For me to even entertain such a possibility puts me in a bad position from the outset.

But what if the notion that this former cashier has unresolved, conflicted feelings for me were true?  What if the delusion that so many boys and men tell themselves about women they desire who really don't desire these boys and men in return were true in my case?  Well, it's been no bowl of cherries for me.  This IS a lot to unpack.  I don't want to go into it all in this one post.

Before I go, I'll go on about some aspects of this deal.  If this is true, that this former cashier thinks me unworthy of her and yet desires me, this may not be the first time this has happened to me.   In many, many instances, just letting go of such a woman and moving on solves the dilemma for all concerned parties.  But, in my last post I talked about a predicament women in my world want to impose on me that signifies an attempt on their part to get me to deal with this situation.  Moving on doesn't seem to be an option for me at this time.  The last waitress who acted interested in me only to not really be interested in me might have been trying to impress this point on me.

So it won't be so easy for me to just move on from this fucked up deal.  Very well.  The closest thing I've had to movement in any direction regarding this former cashier comes as a result of my stated desire to just forgive her and move on.  I think I saw her at my job not long after I started posting those posts about forgiving her and her friends for being mean to me.   Well, there's a lot to go into  on this supposed dynamic between myself and this former cashier, but that's for another time. 

Okay, I still love this former cashier.  No, I have no desire to retaliate against her.  I make no apologies about how I feel about her, and my forgiveness of her releases me from any anger and resentment that would otherwise make me feel like some prisoner in the situation I find myself in these days.  My main issue with her remains her unavailability.  My forgiveness of her for this reality I feel she and others imposed upon me allows me a greater deal of personal freedom and happiness these days than I remember ever having about this predicament I still find myself in these days.  If any more waitresses and baristas want to play any more games with me that attempt to underscore my predicament, well, that's something, I guess.

The last couple of posts about forgiving that former cashier and her buddies for messing with me seemed to resonate in my world a bit.  I don't know if anything will shake out as a result of my stated course of action- to forgive those women, to forgive by not retaliating- but I will give it a few weeks.  My main issue with that former cashier was always, and still remains, the issue of her perpetual unavailability.   I don't say this out of anger anymore, it's simply the fact of the matter.  The fact that I've worked on my love addiction issues to the extent I have allows me to find some peace with the issue of her unavailability.  If the coming weeks and months only serve to underscore this main issue I have with her; if, in other words, she just remains as unavailable as she's always been, well alright then.

In other news, I'm almost finished with issue 30 of "Richy Vegas Comics."  I hope to finish illustrating the remaining thirteen pages by next week.  I've tweaked my work routine a little.  I work on the comics for an hour or two, but then I'll switch to practicing my songs.  I try to practice until my finger tips get sore.  If I have the time and energy to get back to the comics after I practice, then i'll work some more on those.  This tweaking of my routine is an effort to spend more time and energy on my music.  If my productivity and pace of comics production suffers, I bet it only slows it up a little.