Yesterday I went to the annual Austin Corn Lover's Fiesta (ACL). As I sat there listening to the musical acts, the notion I had of the famous woman I've been going on and on about evaporated. I wondered if this deal was over. The notion of this goddess descending from her "A"-list Mount Olympus and bestowing her bounty on me at the Corn Lover's Fiesta evaporated as the day progressed. Didnt happen. Does that mean it's over?
The thing I tried to look for was the persistence of the emotional and mental sine wave that I went through whenever my thoughts turned to her these past seven or so months. No sine wave would mean it was all over for this unavailable woman fixation on her. A sine wave is what I call the "She loves me, she loves me not" nature of my thought process as I think of her. "She loves me," The sine wave goes up. "She loves me not," the sine wave dips down. And so it goes. If that ends, the fixation ends. I don't think of that former cashier in terms of the sine wave these days. I did during the summer of 2021. I did for quite some time after. But I don't think of that former cashier in terms of a sine wave anymore.
The notion that persists about this famous person has to do with what I saw on the liner notes of her last album. She confessed to staying up late into the night, drinking wine alone. The album has to do with the things she thinks about at these times. Weeks ago I posited that her thoughts may turn to me during these times, but I admitted that I could be wrong about that. I said in one post that I might have been like Neil Gaiman's Sandman to her. That I was totally in her head. I'm not the Sandman, though, I'm human too.
I just learned to make peace, somehow, with these notions of these unavailable women that come forth in my consciousness more often than I like. I will accept when someone rules that realm, with the understanding that they would probably not rule forever. No one ever has before. She's going to ramp up on her busy schedule in the coming weeks. If she doesn't show in that time, that'll tell me all I need to know. She's free to do whatever she wants about her dilemma, if she even has a dilemma concerning me.
The thing I tried to look for was the persistence of the emotional and mental sine wave that I went through whenever my thoughts turned to her these past seven or so months. No sine wave would mean it was all over for this unavailable woman fixation on her. A sine wave is what I call the "She loves me, she loves me not" nature of my thought process as I think of her. "She loves me," The sine wave goes up. "She loves me not," the sine wave dips down. And so it goes. If that ends, the fixation ends. I don't think of that former cashier in terms of the sine wave these days. I did during the summer of 2021. I did for quite some time after. But I don't think of that former cashier in terms of a sine wave anymore.
The notion that persists about this famous person has to do with what I saw on the liner notes of her last album. She confessed to staying up late into the night, drinking wine alone. The album has to do with the things she thinks about at these times. Weeks ago I posited that her thoughts may turn to me during these times, but I admitted that I could be wrong about that. I said in one post that I might have been like Neil Gaiman's Sandman to her. That I was totally in her head. I'm not the Sandman, though, I'm human too.
I just learned to make peace, somehow, with these notions of these unavailable women that come forth in my consciousness more often than I like. I will accept when someone rules that realm, with the understanding that they would probably not rule forever. No one ever has before. She's going to ramp up on her busy schedule in the coming weeks. If she doesn't show in that time, that'll tell me all I need to know. She's free to do whatever she wants about her dilemma, if she even has a dilemma concerning me.
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