I can't presume to give advice to any men, young or old, about subjects such as online dating, or how to make money, or many other subjects I can't even think of right now. I tried to put up a profile on plenty-of-fish years ago, but that didn't work out. I haven't really tried anything like that since. I get so much support from the government and my family financially that I only have to work part-time, so I can't tell any guy how they should earn a living. The best I can do is offer to others the same kinds of advice I try to give myself.
First off, I started really working on taking care of myself in a sustained, committed way in October of 2001. At that time, we'd just been through the 9/11 terror attacks, and I came to the conclusion that I engaged in a lot of substance abuse that involved alcohol, drugs such as marijuana and harder drugs, and heavy cigarette smoking to help me cope with loneliness. I decided that I needed to learn how to spend time by myself in a more constructive manner, because I saw a lot of my substance abuse as an unhealthy way to cope with loneliness.
I remember the night of October 20th or 22nd or thereabouts, when I had this epiphany about why I used so much alcohol, drugs, and cigarettes. I had this epiphany in my efficiency apartment, by myself, and decided immediately to begin an effort to clean the place up. My life was forever on a different path from that night forward. I committed to quitting smoking cigarettes in the months that followed, and, despite many relapses on cigarettes over that next year or so, I stuck with it, and haven't smoked since December, 1st, 2002. Two packs a day was my level of addiction to cigarettes at the time. I joined a support group I found by calling the American Lung Association, I used aids such as the patch, and later Zyban, and just kept at it. So, first. last, and always, I really try to take care of my health.
I committed fully to abstinence from drugs and alcohol in late 2008. For many years following my successful efforts to stop smoking cigarettes, I gave moderation a try when it came to drugs and alcohol. Mental health providers such as psychiatrists, therapists, and social workers would really try to drive home the point that I needed to just quit all of that, and I saw a lot of those efforts they made as pointless nagging.
Nevertheless, I would go to substance abuse oriented support groups from time to time just to placate this therapist or that caseworker, and so I got introduced to that whole process that way. It got to the point where I saw regular therapy as a way to keep tabs on all of that substance abuse, without really committing to stopping it altogether. But again, the ball got rolling on that whole effort through those processes I engaged in.
Finally, I had another epiphany regarding the rock and roll lifestyle I had going back in full swing by Christmastime 2008. Briefly, I saw that one of my friends seemed to get so much more play from women than I did, even though we indulged in about the same amount of drug and alcohol abuse. The lifestyle worked for him on some level that it did not work for me. I remember the very night, Friday, December 26 into Saturday December 27th. I had my (hopefully) last six pack of beer that night, while watching Grade Z horror flick Bloodfreak on Turner Classic Movies by myself.
After I successfully committed to abstinence from drugs and alcohol (with a few relapses over the years), I tried my luck with the women again. I was like Rip Van Winkle waking from a twenty year slumber. The young women I found most attractive were of a whole other generation separate from me. I didn't have much luck, and I still don't have much luck, but still, a lot has improved.
With the substance abuse issues meaningfully engaged with, I could turn to my inner workings regarding my relationship with women. I self-diagnosed love addiction as a major problem in my relationship with women, and I've talked about that extensively on this blog. I'll try to hammer home a few salient points about love addiction right now.
In 2012, after some pretty nervy efforts to ask mostly much younger waitresses and baristas out on dates and getting shot down every time, I decided to go a different way on those interactions. I decided to revive an experiment in my youth, conducted in the spring of 1988, where I tried see what would happen if I "turned my back on love," The revival of this experiment opened me up to so many insights into how I think about and relate to women I find attractive.
Okay, so, "Turning my back on love." What does that mean, really? To me it meant having a greater willingness to let supposed opportunities I would look for with barista and waitress types just slip through my fingers. In other words, I would see what would happen if I did NOT ask a flirtatious, attractive, young barista or waitress on a date. I even took it so far as to refrain from giving such women gifts such as my comics or CD's, unless they specifically requested that I give them something like that.
This line of inquiry, the "turn my back on love" experiment, has opened me up to so many insights and whole new horizons as to how to move forward with my relationship with women. Briefly, I see my willingness to let supposed opportunities with so many young or youngish women I find attractive slip through my fingers over the years as a demonstrated willingness to accept an outcome where me and this or that barista or waitress don't become boyfriend and girlfriend, and in so doing, I'm better able to look out for said barista's or waitress' interests as well as my own.
This kind of willingness to accept such outcomes, done over and over again, will often go into the women in my world's book on me, if such a thing exists. That can lead to them feeling as if they can trust me more than if I tried to come off as Johnny on the spot in regards to "opportunities."
Another thing "turning my back on love" did for me was point out to myself how I used to feel as if I always needed a love interest from amongst the women in my world. Constantly looking for a viable love interest in this or that barista or waitress in my world probably didn't come off too well to these women. I would feel as if I needed a love interest from amongst the women in my world to feel as if I played SOME meaningful part in the whole dating, love, and romance game.
I came up with "turn my back on love" through the process of reading, and reading again, Dr. David Burns' Feeling Good. This book goes a little into love addiction, outlines it as something the reader of the book can diagnose in themselves, and other parts of the book outline ways in which the reader can begin the process of starting an inner dialogue that questions one's "silent assumptions." Silent assumptions are the thoughts the reader has not put into actual words that run through a depressive person's head about any number of subjects. In my case, a silent assumption I had was that I always needed a love interest from amongst the women in my world to feel as if I played a part in the game.
Okay, I take better care of myself, I also learned how to refrain from chasing hotties to the ends of the earth and back, now what? Learn to cultivate an appreciation for all kinds of women who don't happen to be twenty-two year old hotties, that's what. That's one area I've really tried to push the envelope on these past many years. Since about 2003, really. My standard for what gets a women at least one date with me: Available, interested, acts like she gives a shit about taking care of herself.
I really, really try to be as democratic as I can with this more forgiving standard for women I will go out with or give the time of day to. Here's something I've found over the years; a lot of women who'll go out with me can't manage that last one, "Acts like she gives a shit about taking care of herself." Substance abuse is a one way street, and I had a couple of women see themselves as trading up when they compare their unresolved substance abuse issues with my more-resolved substance abuse issues.
So yeah, that's the area I will try to work on most. I will try to develop a greater appreciation for women who aren't twenty-two year old hottie types. I've done work on this. One thing I discovered was this block I had, where if I even imagined, even a little bit, about giving such a woman the time of day, my imagination would flash to some horrible moment of truth scenario where we would wind up naked together and I just couldn't do the deed. I crashed through this particular block when I set about investigating the actual truth of that scenario that would pop up in my head.
I mean, literally, driving to a woman's house to look at her art, and wondering, in a distressed way, what would happen if we came to some moment of truth when I got there, only to find out when I got there that she was seeing someone, and I guessed that she flirted with me the night I met her in order just get some kind of desired attention. No shit. She was nice, though.
A willingness to adopt more forgiving standards about who I'll go out with takes a LOT of pressure off of me to make it work with the hotties. This probably takes a lot of pressure from ME off of the hotties as well. Don't get me wrong, I love me some hotties, but god, is that all there is? If I made it all about the hotties nowadays, I'd never go on a date with anyone.
First off, I started really working on taking care of myself in a sustained, committed way in October of 2001. At that time, we'd just been through the 9/11 terror attacks, and I came to the conclusion that I engaged in a lot of substance abuse that involved alcohol, drugs such as marijuana and harder drugs, and heavy cigarette smoking to help me cope with loneliness. I decided that I needed to learn how to spend time by myself in a more constructive manner, because I saw a lot of my substance abuse as an unhealthy way to cope with loneliness.
I remember the night of October 20th or 22nd or thereabouts, when I had this epiphany about why I used so much alcohol, drugs, and cigarettes. I had this epiphany in my efficiency apartment, by myself, and decided immediately to begin an effort to clean the place up. My life was forever on a different path from that night forward. I committed to quitting smoking cigarettes in the months that followed, and, despite many relapses on cigarettes over that next year or so, I stuck with it, and haven't smoked since December, 1st, 2002. Two packs a day was my level of addiction to cigarettes at the time. I joined a support group I found by calling the American Lung Association, I used aids such as the patch, and later Zyban, and just kept at it. So, first. last, and always, I really try to take care of my health.
I committed fully to abstinence from drugs and alcohol in late 2008. For many years following my successful efforts to stop smoking cigarettes, I gave moderation a try when it came to drugs and alcohol. Mental health providers such as psychiatrists, therapists, and social workers would really try to drive home the point that I needed to just quit all of that, and I saw a lot of those efforts they made as pointless nagging.
Nevertheless, I would go to substance abuse oriented support groups from time to time just to placate this therapist or that caseworker, and so I got introduced to that whole process that way. It got to the point where I saw regular therapy as a way to keep tabs on all of that substance abuse, without really committing to stopping it altogether. But again, the ball got rolling on that whole effort through those processes I engaged in.
Finally, I had another epiphany regarding the rock and roll lifestyle I had going back in full swing by Christmastime 2008. Briefly, I saw that one of my friends seemed to get so much more play from women than I did, even though we indulged in about the same amount of drug and alcohol abuse. The lifestyle worked for him on some level that it did not work for me. I remember the very night, Friday, December 26 into Saturday December 27th. I had my (hopefully) last six pack of beer that night, while watching Grade Z horror flick Bloodfreak on Turner Classic Movies by myself.
After I successfully committed to abstinence from drugs and alcohol (with a few relapses over the years), I tried my luck with the women again. I was like Rip Van Winkle waking from a twenty year slumber. The young women I found most attractive were of a whole other generation separate from me. I didn't have much luck, and I still don't have much luck, but still, a lot has improved.
With the substance abuse issues meaningfully engaged with, I could turn to my inner workings regarding my relationship with women. I self-diagnosed love addiction as a major problem in my relationship with women, and I've talked about that extensively on this blog. I'll try to hammer home a few salient points about love addiction right now.
In 2012, after some pretty nervy efforts to ask mostly much younger waitresses and baristas out on dates and getting shot down every time, I decided to go a different way on those interactions. I decided to revive an experiment in my youth, conducted in the spring of 1988, where I tried see what would happen if I "turned my back on love," The revival of this experiment opened me up to so many insights into how I think about and relate to women I find attractive.
Okay, so, "Turning my back on love." What does that mean, really? To me it meant having a greater willingness to let supposed opportunities I would look for with barista and waitress types just slip through my fingers. In other words, I would see what would happen if I did NOT ask a flirtatious, attractive, young barista or waitress on a date. I even took it so far as to refrain from giving such women gifts such as my comics or CD's, unless they specifically requested that I give them something like that.
This line of inquiry, the "turn my back on love" experiment, has opened me up to so many insights and whole new horizons as to how to move forward with my relationship with women. Briefly, I see my willingness to let supposed opportunities with so many young or youngish women I find attractive slip through my fingers over the years as a demonstrated willingness to accept an outcome where me and this or that barista or waitress don't become boyfriend and girlfriend, and in so doing, I'm better able to look out for said barista's or waitress' interests as well as my own.
This kind of willingness to accept such outcomes, done over and over again, will often go into the women in my world's book on me, if such a thing exists. That can lead to them feeling as if they can trust me more than if I tried to come off as Johnny on the spot in regards to "opportunities."
Another thing "turning my back on love" did for me was point out to myself how I used to feel as if I always needed a love interest from amongst the women in my world. Constantly looking for a viable love interest in this or that barista or waitress in my world probably didn't come off too well to these women. I would feel as if I needed a love interest from amongst the women in my world to feel as if I played SOME meaningful part in the whole dating, love, and romance game.
I came up with "turn my back on love" through the process of reading, and reading again, Dr. David Burns' Feeling Good. This book goes a little into love addiction, outlines it as something the reader of the book can diagnose in themselves, and other parts of the book outline ways in which the reader can begin the process of starting an inner dialogue that questions one's "silent assumptions." Silent assumptions are the thoughts the reader has not put into actual words that run through a depressive person's head about any number of subjects. In my case, a silent assumption I had was that I always needed a love interest from amongst the women in my world to feel as if I played a part in the game.
Okay, I take better care of myself, I also learned how to refrain from chasing hotties to the ends of the earth and back, now what? Learn to cultivate an appreciation for all kinds of women who don't happen to be twenty-two year old hotties, that's what. That's one area I've really tried to push the envelope on these past many years. Since about 2003, really. My standard for what gets a women at least one date with me: Available, interested, acts like she gives a shit about taking care of herself.
I really, really try to be as democratic as I can with this more forgiving standard for women I will go out with or give the time of day to. Here's something I've found over the years; a lot of women who'll go out with me can't manage that last one, "Acts like she gives a shit about taking care of herself." Substance abuse is a one way street, and I had a couple of women see themselves as trading up when they compare their unresolved substance abuse issues with my more-resolved substance abuse issues.
So yeah, that's the area I will try to work on most. I will try to develop a greater appreciation for women who aren't twenty-two year old hottie types. I've done work on this. One thing I discovered was this block I had, where if I even imagined, even a little bit, about giving such a woman the time of day, my imagination would flash to some horrible moment of truth scenario where we would wind up naked together and I just couldn't do the deed. I crashed through this particular block when I set about investigating the actual truth of that scenario that would pop up in my head.
I mean, literally, driving to a woman's house to look at her art, and wondering, in a distressed way, what would happen if we came to some moment of truth when I got there, only to find out when I got there that she was seeing someone, and I guessed that she flirted with me the night I met her in order just get some kind of desired attention. No shit. She was nice, though.
A willingness to adopt more forgiving standards about who I'll go out with takes a LOT of pressure off of me to make it work with the hotties. This probably takes a lot of pressure from ME off of the hotties as well. Don't get me wrong, I love me some hotties, but god, is that all there is? If I made it all about the hotties nowadays, I'd never go on a date with anyone.
RSS Feed
